My Xbox 360 is going to be getting a workout this week. Rock Band 2 dropped yesterday, which meant a stirring morning of hearing, “What time does Game Stop open? Are you sure we have a copy reserved? Should we get there early in case there’s a line? Why are you dry-heaving? I’m not the one who told you to stay up drinking until 2 in the morning watching Life On Mars reruns just because we’ll be too busy rocking out every night this week to watch the TiVo! Now stop your Goddamned pitiful hands from shaking, screw on a pair and get in the car!”
So yesterday, the Drunky McPorno Experience was reborn on the Rock Band 2 platform. And like the first version, the game was fun… right up until beer nine when we were asked to play a setlist of:
- Still Alive, the theme from Portal
- Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran
- Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, and
- We Got The Beat, by the Go-Gos.
That’s when I realized that I was the lead guitarist of a fucking pathetic hipster kitch cover band, and I was a Pabst Blue Ribbon and a sweater vest way from wanting to punch myself in the temple every time I looked in the mirror.
And I had enough of their detached, ironic, “Don’t call me a hipster” douchebaggery when I was a disc jockey, but at least then I could reply with: “Fine. You’re not a hipster, you’re a fucking poseur. And I predict that soon you will accidentally impregnate another poseur, and God will take his revenge upon you by making your bastard child an Art Garfunkel fan.” And suddenly I was a mere one layer of pixels away from being one of them, proving once again the relevance of my personal comedy motto: It’s Funny Until It’s You.
I expressed my dismay to my girl, and followed up with, “You’d better enjoy this shit while you can, because come Tuesday, we’re taking a break. Not only for my own sanity and self-image, but because Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is coming out.”
“That’s fine,” she said, “I’d like to watch you play it. It’ll be like watching another Star Wars flick, because they say that the story is actually gonna be considered canon.”
“Who gives a fuck?” I snarled. “I want to play it because it looks fun, not because it’s fucking canon. Actually, I don’t want it to be canon. Goddamned Jar Jar Binks and fart jokes are part of the canon now.”
“Unless there’s a flatulence button on the controller, I don’t think there’s gonna be fart jokes… although that XBox controller has so many buttons, I wouldn’t rule an ass blast button out, I guess. And besides: being part of the official story’s not gonna ruin it.”
“Wanna bet? There’s a scene in the trailer where the main character uses The Force to drag a Star Destroyer out of orbit… and he’s supposed to be Darth Vader’s apprentice. As in, not as good at Force shit as his master. And considering his master’s biggest display of power in all six movies was, ‘Does Darth Vader have to choke a bitch?’, it makes the scariest person in a galaxy far, far away look like an off-strip lounge magician who’d fuck up getting a stray hair out of his helmet, let alone a rabbit.”
“So what?” my girl said, “It doesn’t change the movies one bit.”
“Bullshit, it doesn’t. Five’ll get you ten that George Lucas uses this as an excuse to make another special edition to reflect the new Force shit. Only this time, Porkins’ll crash because Vader made a fist and turned him into a fine red mist of cellulite, and in Jedi, Luke’ll take off Vader’s helmet and see George Lucas’ face… and probably the CGI’d head of his giant wang peeking out of the neckhole.”
“Okay, calm down,” my girl said. “Look on the bright side: this proves that you’re not a hipster. Hipsters don’t give a fuck about Star Wars Canon. They probably think that Star Wars is when Joel Madden calls Paris Hilton a bitch.”
She had a point.
“Now can we please play some more Rock Band 2?” she asked.
“Fine. But I wanna play Won’t Get Fooled Again.”
“Sorry, that’s the first Rock Band. We’ve got Modest Mouse next.”
“Dammit.”
[tags]Rock Band 2, Star Wars, The Force Unleashed, XBox 360, hipsters, dark humor, satire[/tags]
LOL….you haven’t changed a bit from our comedy days together and that is a good thing! Hope all is well Rob!
Best!
Sue
Thanks, but my bathroom scale, hair color and blood work liver numbers disagree with you.
Good to hear from you, and if I recall correctly, I took the over on whether or not I’d still be alive by now, so pay the fuck up.
WOW….You are right!! You win the bet bigtime….I thought I would have read your obit by now….but as I recall….you have a very effective bladder which must be successfully removing toxins from you hourly….email me to catch up…will ya? slocketti@comcast.net