- Saturday morning, hung over in an accountant's office. Apparently I've died and gone to hell. #
- Julia Child is: The Felch Chef #failedtvseriespitches #
- Cthulhu Ceviche would be an excellent name for either a punk band or my first daughter. #
- Watching CSI Miami: If some moron let Rob Zombie direct traffic, the inevitible car wrecks would be boring, derivative and easy to ignore. #
- Rating the shittiest episode of CSI Miami is like rating the concentration camp with the worst service. That said: this ep is the shittiest. #
- Dude who just stood next to me at the urinal: STOP DROPPING YOUR PANTS. Less awkward solutions include zippers, stalls and pissing yourself. #
- If electrocution makes some douchenozzle from Rascal Flatts hate country, it only means Steve Earle held the taser. #CSI #JohnnyCashHatesYou #
The American Jerk Week in Filthy One-Liners – 2010-03-06
March 6th, 2010by Rob Reuter
The American Jerk Week in Filthy One-Liners – 2010-02-27
February 27th, 2010by Rob Reuter
- Meth: Making crackheads look responsible since 1998! #
- American Jerk Lexicon: "Sweetheart?" means a computer is doing something that will cost me a lot of money. Only happens on quiet weekends. #
- An old video card dies, a new excise tax bill on the new car lives. Fair trade… until the part where I live on ramen and die of scurvy. #
- Tool Academy… Brian Dunkleman… TOGETHER. Are you ready to UNLEASH THE FUCKING FURY!? #
- Dr. Drew's Hippocratic Oath: First, do no harm. Now take a look at THIS twitching spastic geek! A nickel a peek, rubes! #
- Hi, Dr. Drew; my name's Tom Sizemore, I'm in the skag-booting, whore-punting business, and business is goOH CHRIST SPIDERS WITH HEIDI'S FACE #
- I wanna bone Mackenzie Phillips and tell her to call me "Daddy" just to see the light in her eyes go out and die. #
- Watching the #Heroes finale, from my girl: "You're Irish, this must be like being back at home with Mom: 'Now, Samuel; KNIFE TO TO EYE!'" #
- Community on NBC makes me alternate between loud, pure laughter and the uncontrollable urge to punch a college student in the fucking face. #
- Nobody's asshole should make that sound. #
The American Jerk Week in Filthy One-Liners – 2010-02-20
February 20th, 2010by Rob Reuter
- Dear Hollywood: the WOLFMAN is the bad guy. When there's a second, SUPER Wolfman for the Wolfman to fight, we call that a HULK COMIC BOOK. #
- Bottleshock is a fun movie about fine wine that will make you want to get fucked up on Bud and kick a Gauloise-smoking Froggie in the taint. #
- Yup, those fuckers sure are skating in a circle. #
- Until next week, any of these athletes would blow you for a Chap-Stick commercial. After that, they would blow you for a hot meal. #olympics #
- Linsdey Vonn goes down hard! #Olympics #FuturePornoTitles #
- Big fucking deal. Roger Moore skied faster than that in a tuxedo with Jaws gnawing on his trapezius. #olympics #
- Wait, what? Either this fucking bar just went karaoke, or I'm having a massive embolism. #MmmmBurningToast #
- Mmmm, camel toe followed by shattered femurs. #Olympics #WomensSkiing #SnuffFilms #
- Goddammit karaoke lady, I said I wanna do Donkey Punch! What the fuck do you mean, "sing"? #
- I now know that God created Aerosmith's Dream On and this tone deaf college boy because He doesn't have the balls to lightning me Himself. #
- Please Jesus, send William Hung into this bar to drop some SCIENCE on these mooks. #
- If Clapton really was God, he'd smite this fucker. #
- Strange… I remember Aerosmith's Angel as eventually fucking ENDING SOMEDAY WHY YOU BASTARD GOD #
The American Jerk Week in Filthy One-Liners – 2010-02-13
February 13th, 2010by Rob Reuter
- Wow. This year's Super Bowl ads make me want to buy one thing: Communism. #superbowlads #
- #4wordsaftersex – "Knife to the eye!" (with apologies to @goonguy) #
- #4wordsonobamashand – "Knife to the eye!" #
- Bill Murray was just a guest… on No Reservations… a basic cable food show. Hey kids! Uncle John Belushi sez: speedballs have their uses! #
- Realization: John Denver did drugs daily and went out in an experimental plane crash. Conclusion: John Denver is METAL, and Ozzy is a FAG. #
- Fucking Awesome Boat is Fucking Awesome – http://twitpic.com/12gsb6 #
- The only thing sadder than Googling your own name is Googling your own name for porn. #
- I smell burning hair. Either I'm having a stroke, or I should wear pants and be more careful with my cigarettes. #
Stretching the Limits of Nostalgia
February 10th, 2010by Rob Reuter
Why, Lord? Why must the fucking Baby Boomers always get the end of the stick that hasn’t been used to stir shit?
When we hit the twenty-year anniversary of the Summer Of Love, those fuckers’ childhood nostaligia train rolled in packed to the rails with blotter acid, weed, and Rolling Stones reunion concerts. Tie dye came back, chicks started seeing the merits of free love (Even with a Marching Band / comic book geek with a horrible, horrible 1988 mullet), and they came out with a Batman movie that was so watchable it erased their wretched memories of trying to get laid via mastery of the Batusi.
(Of course to hear the Boomers tell, in 1969 the “Batusi” method was no more or less successful than the “I haven’t showered in a month, and someone appears to have shit in my pants! And yet we’re both bored, and my penis still appears to maintain some form of rudimentary functionality! Wanna?” method. Course, then one of them appears to have tried one of those methods with a champanzee, turning sex for the next generation from “free love” to “love for fifteen clams for a dozen, and I hope you don’t mind the feeling of fucking / being fucked by a Howie Mandel’s rubber glove”… but that’s another article.)
Now, it’s twenty years later – the twentieth anniversary of Generation X’s high water mark – the Summer Of… Summer Of… shit, I don’t know. If you’re Kid Rock, it was the “Summer Of Sweet Home Alabama and Banging A Detroit Hood Rat”. For me, it was the “Summmer Of Whoops! Sorry, This Has Never Happened To Me Before. No, This Has Literally Never Happened To Me Before, So I Don’t Know If It’ll Wash Out Of Your Hair.”
Anyway – twenty years on, and Generation X’s nostalgia train’s rolling in, and what do we get? We get shit. Shit like a Stretch Fucking Armstrong movie.
