The American Jerk

• No, I am not watching a questionably-obtained DVD of Watchmen, officer, do you have a warrant I will SHOOT YOU WITH MY GRAPPLING HOOK GUN #
• Somewhere, Karl Malden’s throttling his agent’s ghost for saying yes to Streetcar and passing flat on Captain EO. Billy Mays is assisting. #
• http://tinyurl.com/lodd9u - Got a better idea: I’ll toss a bunch of raw food on your lawn and cook it by setting your fucking house on fire. #
• My girl: “Why aren’t you Tweeting this?” Well my dear, I need both hands to aim properly because THIS WINO’S NOT GOING TO PISS ON HIMSELF #
• Jem is truly outrageous; Truly truly truly Truly TRULY jesus god why is this barely nostalgic pabulum stuck in my damn head OUTRAGEOUS! #
• What do you mean, Ronald McDonald and Jack Daniels aren’t nutritionists? #

• “I’m the Verizon guy! Can you hear me now?” “Yeah I can, but I’m still not letting you out. You’re gonna die in there.” #
• Boston is one more Goddamned rainy day away from Dennis Hopper chewing scenery and me growing vaginal-looking gills behind my ears. #
• Watching True Blood, my girl said: ” Jesus God, why couldn’t North Korea shoot the nuke THERE?” #
• Ed McMahon had a clean, unobstructed shot at Carlos Mencia during Star Search and he didn’t take it. Long story short: Ed’s in hell now. #
• I hiked the Appalachian Trail and flew to Argentina and all I got was this lousy chancre. #
• Young Guns makes the ghost of Sam Peckinpah cry. #
• Young Guns taught me that Ye Olde West had 40% more hair mousse and synth than I expected. And 900% more Casey Siemasko than anyone wanted. #
• What Young Guns lacks in subtle artistry and clever plotting, it MORE than makes up for in rampant homoeroticism. #
• I didn’t know Jack Palance was in Young Guns. Long story short: Jack’s in hell now. #
• Jon Bon Jovi clearly didn’t see Young Guns 1, because if he did, his song for the sequel would’ve been called “Blaze Of Glory Hole”. #
• I didn’t know Brian Keith was in Young Guns. Long story short: Brian gets a pass on hell because of Hardcastle & McCormick. #
• “Wyatt, if you ever were my friend, you wouldn’t let me be played by Keifer Sutherland…” #
• If asked, “Where were you when Michael Jackson died?” I shouldn’t answer “Standing over him with an empty syringe of Potassium Chloride”. #
• Michael Jackson’s testes will be donated to science, once they locate the U-Haul climate controlled storage facility in which he kept them. #
• Your long, terrible nightmare is over… now put the voodoo doll down, Tito. #
• Between Farrah and Jacko, I hope Congress is working, because only an emergency session can make it legal to bury that much used silicone. #
• I hope this serves as a lesson to all celebrities: try to drop dead BEFORE I’ve started drinking whiskey. #
• Michael Jackson’s in a better place; a place with no extradition treaties. #
• The fact that Ryan O’Neal still hasn’t tuned Jermaine up while screeching about “publicity whoring” makes me sad. #

• The cries of “Shame shame, Khameni” are louder than ever today… which is disturbing and wrong considering I’m in Boston. #alcoholpoisoning #
• My impression of the Ghostbusters film based on the videogame: boys meet librarian ghost, ghost shits napalm, boys die like pigs in a chute. #
• It constantly amazes me that a beverage named Gentleman Jack can make me act like such a douchebag. #
• http://tinyurl.com/lbpypn - Uh huh. Next headline: PETA Begs Pamela Anderson To Stop Torturing Innocent Little Hepatitis C Viruses #
• Note to self: when your girl asks what unique souvenir you want to bring home from ComicCon, the correct answer is NOT “herpes”. #
• Huh… what’s this semi-soft lump on my head? I sure hope it’s not OH CHRIST IT’S MY FUCKING EYE THAT HURTS SO MUCH #
• http://tinyurl.com/ovnyde - Fools! The e.Coli’s the only NATURAL thing in Nestle cookie dough. Slap an Organic label on and jack the price! #
• http://tinyurl.com/m4vwsl - Jesus, Tom… They say it weakens the legs for a REASON. This year your patella’s going to explode into ORBIT. #
• Note to self: speak to real estate agent and lawyer about starting elder care facility: Soylant Green Acres. Will need GIANT loading dock. #
• If you shoot Martha Stewart in the face, she will immediately heal like a liquid metal Terminator. Someone try it now and send me the video. #

Uh, oh, Noctivigant’s bored. While normally I would pay an disgruntled reader as much mind as I do laws regarding public drunkenness, public nuisance, or public urination, Noctivigant is unique in that he knows my home address. So I try to keep him placated, since unlike most angry commenters, he can troll me via telephone, or if he chooses, by short car ride and motorcycle chain whip.

Personal circumstances have rendered my motivation to regularly write here or via Twitter feed damn near nonexistent. March’s Watchmen Death Flu turned into the Rorschach Death Bronchitis, which led to the Nite Owl Death Chest X-Ray, which concluded with the Dr. Manhattan Disturbingly Large Death Hose Down My Throat to take pictures of my lungs.

Pictures that were utterly clean save the filthy insurance money and $150 HMO co-payment they grabbed to perform the completely unnecessary test… none of which apparently went to sweet, sweet free drugs. Note to my lung specialist: if, after the administration of “sedatives”, I panic when a tube is snaked down my throat? You have not sedated me. It’s time to embrace health care reform when 2,000 years of modern pharmaceutical technology is outperformed by street dope available to the dumbest 19-year-old college date rapist.

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• Let’s play the A&E Intervention drinking game! Rule 1: get WRECKED while watching A&E Intervention and feel good about YOU. Rule 2: repeat. #