The American Jerk Week in Filthy One-Liners – 2012-10-13

  • I've been drunk three times today. #HERO #
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The American Jerk Week in Filthy One-Liners – 2012-10-06

  • If the #RedSox don't have the balls to make the #Yankees work for it against the #Orioles Bobby V better be on a damn bus tomorrow morning. #
  • I'm still voting for Hunter Thompson and Bill "The Spaceman" Lee. They're more coherent and likeable. #debates #
  • I know I'm hammered, but this is the shittiest deathmatch I've ever seen. #BiteAnEar #debates #
  • I'd like to have a beer with Mitt Romney, if only so his Mormon Jesus would send him to hell. #debate #
  • Mitt either has an interesting facial tic, or he's enthusiastically shitting his pants. #debate #
  • My Obama impression: "Put your pencils down, but yes, this will be on the test." #debate #
  • Who roofied the President of The United States? #debate #
  • If Romney becomes president, I predict he'll bail in year 3 to start running for Mormon Jesus #debate #CrappyMassGovernor #
  • If Obama wants to win debates, all he has to say is, "Show me your special underpants, Mitt. And tell me about Jesus's Utah visit." #debate #
  • Walter White 2016 #BlueState #
  • Every time Romney talks, I wanna hear Shoot To Thrill, see Iron Man do a tripod landing, remove his mask and say "Fuck this dingus." #debate #
  • Worst debate I've ever seen. Bill & Opus 2012! #debate #
  • I'm just pleased that, as a Massachusetts citizen, this will be my fourth chance to vote against Mitt Romney since 1994 #debate #
  • Hi, Iceland! Are you hiring? #debate #
  • In this debate, Romney blinked like he had a finger working tirelessly and angrily in his asshole. #GroverNorquist #debate #
  • #LastResort is a damn good show if you've had 10 beers. #14beers #
  • I lied about the beer count. #LastResort looks to be a pretty fucking good show. #
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The American Jerk Week in Filthy One-Liners – 2012-09-29

  • A dude who was once in my car was on the #Emmys In Memorium montage. I just won a bunch of Over bets just by still being alive. #Patrice #
  • Period piece + pan flute = somebody's fucking #Copper #Titanic #cliche #
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The American Jerk Week in Filthy One-Liners – 2012-09-22

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The American Jerk Week in Filthy One-Liners – 2012-09-15

  • "They are former kings, Ring Wraiths, tuned to the One Ring. They will fuck up your shit." #LOTRBluRay #Racer5IPA #GonnaBeALongNight #
  • "This was the great watchtower of Amunsun. Now, well, everyone likes Taco Bell." #
  • "Arwen: ride hard. Now lower. LOWER. My name? Uhhh… Strider. Sure, Strider." #LOTR #Drinking #
  • "Do you know who this is? This is ARAGORN!" "Sit down, Legolas… Aragorn is just my porn name. My rap name is Spunkmaster Rhino P.P." #LOTR #
  • "You have my sword!" "And my bow!" "And my axe!" "So… when do we all touch dicks?" #LOTR #Drinking #
  • "I'm sorry you must carry this burden, my boy… but I didn't say to stop. You'll know when to stop." #LOTR #Drinking #
  • Power rings, master archers, rich guys devoted to fighting evil… Middle Earth is the DC Universe with hairy feet. #
  • 2 hours into the 1st movie, and all I can think is Indiana Jones would've had this ring buried in a government warehouse by now. #LOTR #
  • Peter Jackson is doing prequels to a beloved decade-old trilogy after starting an SFX shop. The poor sonofabitch is about to be Lucased. #
  • Seriously: remember how you felt walking out of The Phantom Menace? Yeah, enjoy that midnight showing of The Hobbit. #
  • When I find myself in an irritating conversation, I try to work in the word "Shazam." Someday it'll work, and I will then take my revenge. #
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