EDITOR’S NOTE: Earlier today a 9.8 magnitude earthquake hit Japan, causing a 23-foot tsunami to hit the island, killing hundreds and causing widespread devastation including the failure of the Fukushima nuclear reactor cooling system , which has forced the venting of radioactive gas in an attempt to prevent a meltdown.
Unlike similar disasters that have happened in recent years, there’s something about this one that feels… unbelievable. And that thing is that eighteen full hours have passed as of this writing, and yet Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps and their asshole buddies (And you can use whichever meaning of the phrase “asshole buddies” you like in this context) haven’t grabbed the first microphone they could find to say that it happened because Jesus, the Prince of Peace, hates us.
While on one hand this lack of God-slobbering in the face of widespread human tragedy is somewhat refreshing, the fact of the matter is that the people of Japan need help quickly, and I’m afraid that until someone goes on record to blame this unpredictable natural event on somebody’s “sins”, this feeling of unreality will persist and hinder the mobilization of relief efforts. And since I am unable to donate money to the cause since I am unable to find anyone who will give me whiskey for free, I’m gonna roll up my sleeves and do my part by indiscriminately slinging blame around.
Now, I have to warn you: I’m not what you’d call a religious man (Although ironically the last person who would consistently give me free wine was a Catholic priest… which might explain why I won’t go back there), so finding things that people have done that would enrage the Almighty isn’t what I’d call my strong suit. Since supposedly we were made in God’s image, I’m gonna go with things that have pissed me off to the point where I might be willing to destroy strangers with a wall of water… or at least squirt them with a water pistol from behind cover.
In addition to not being particularly religious, I’m a fan of science, so it’s hard for me to really get behind ideas like thunder being God bowling, or rain being God crying, or a massive earthquake and attendant tidal wave being God kicking Buddha in the balls so hard the fatbody fell down and pissed himself… Although to be fair, that might be Romans 21:12 – How God Created The Grand Canyon. What can I tell you? Sunday School was a long time ago, and for some reason I seem to have blocked a lot of it out.
So with that said, I have tried to string together just a few Phelpsian blanket statements blaming the earthquake on some kind of sins committed by somebody somewhere, with as much blank-eyed religiously-fueled certainty in the face of science, logic and simple human decency as I possibly can. I can only hope it’s enough.
- Two years ago today the first disappointing box office returns for Watchmen were reported, and today Tokyo is burning. Coincidence? Yes. Yes is it.
- Three months ago Terriers was canceled, and now the dogs of Shinjuku are doggy paddling for their lives. Happenstance? I believe so.
- Development and download sales have ceased for the Guitar Hero franchise, as have the dreams and respirations of Japanese pop groups. Are these unrelated? Probably.
- We are five months away from Twilight ruining Comic-Con, and merely eighteen hours past Tsunami ruining Yokohama. Is there a correlation? I’ll throw this one on the “maybe” pile.
- Route 128 was a parking lot yesterday evening, and this morning, Sendai Airport is a parking lot. Did one cause the other? Are you mentally retarded?
- Back in high school, Janet lost control when I asked her to work my hot fuck rod, and today the Fukushima reactor’s hot control rods won’t work. Is there any relationship? Now you’re being ridiculous.
- Several weeks ago, an irritating new character was introduced on Community named Magnitude, and today the people of Japan will suffer if I complete this terrible, terrible reaching gimme of a joke. Fluke? No; just that even I won’t sink so low as to do the easy Fukushima reactor / “pop-pop!” gag.
- Hundreds of Japanese people were washed out to sea in the tsunami a mere eighteen hours before I said to myself, “This is hard. How the fuck did Falwell keep coming up with gibberish like this?” Twist of fate? Actually no; this one’s legit.
- This free online thesaurus is running out of synonyms for “coincidence,” and, um… a fuckload of water just hit Japan. Is… are… both… from… stuff? Nah.