I did stand-up comedy as a second job for about nine or ten years, which means I’ve seen my share of hecklers. They’re an occupational hazard, the same way carpal tunnel syndrome is for computer programmers, or meth addiction and inflamed hemorrhoids are for evangelical preachers.
Hecklers fall into one of two basic categories. The first is the flat-out asshole. They’re usually drunk and always belligerent. And because they’ve taken issue with your opinion, or the way you made fun of their wife for drooling green Midori and bile back into their Scorpion Bowl, or how you look kinda like the drama club wuss who convinced their high school girlfriend to report that rape, they’ve made it their personal mission to tell you and anyone else who’ll listen how badly you suck, how disgusted they are with your performance, and how much trouble you’re in if they get their hands on you. It’s like listening to your dad at Thanksgiving dinner without the benefit of eventually being able to slap him into a home that specializes in catheters and enemas.
The second type of heckler is less hostile but more insidious: they’re yelling shit out because they think they’re helping you out. They don’t have bad intentions; all they want to do is give you seeds from which your comedy may grow… while completely ignoring that fact that your material that doesn’t need seeds because it’s already fully-grown, because comedians are professionals. Comedians are the only kind of professional that laymen feel comfortable doing that with. Try “planting seeds” for a doctor and see how fast you go to jail for masturbating into an open surgical incision.
I will admit that the right heckle at the right time that you give the right response to can elevate a comedian’s performance from good to great… with the understanding that “heckle” is singular. If you decide to “help” the comedian by heckling, and the comedian gets a good, funny line in, your job is fucking done. You have helped the show; thank you. For the love of God, you can stop now.
However, if you yell out again, you are no longer helping the comedian. You are attention-whoring and enjoying the sound of your own voice, which is our job. We didn’t spend hours writing material and taking a job that includes a PA system to hear you talk. And neither did the 199 other people who paid to be in the room. Not even your wife; she’s there as an excuse to choke back enough Midori to work up the guts to call the police on you.
What does this have to do with The American Jerk? Well, let’s talk about the comments section. As a stand-up comedian who’s completely made the jump to the Internet, I like getting comments, because it’s the closest I can get to live laugher. And as a long-time comic who’s performed all over the United States; I can handle heckling. Some people like to do it, and I want you to have a good time while you’re here. But…
If that’s your taste, you’d better be prepared for me to do my damnedest to ruin your fucking field trip. Because for every commenter I get, literally a hundred other people are reading this site. And trust me: those people aren’t here for the comments, because I go out of my way to filter out the comment spam that could point them toward the animal pornography and the v!@&r@ that would make it worthwhile.
Some of the people who comment here are guys I’ve known for ten years. A lot of them are fellow comedians, others are personal friends. But if any of them decide to use the comments to heckle me, well… I don’t care if you pulled me out of a burning building, resuscitated me single-handedly, donated me a kidney and handed me an iced Jack Daniel’s: I will use every tool in my arsenal to make you look like a fucking moron in front of the people who just came by for a silent, quick laugh.
I hope that you don’t take this as a call to stop commenting, or that I don’t want comments that don’t tell me that you think I’m funny, or that I don’t want comments where you try to get a laugh out of people. I want all that shit. I even want you to give me shit if you feel like it… I just don’t want you hanging outside my door afterwards with a pistol-gripped mace bomb when I use your comments as an opportunity to call you the wussy Melon Liquor Rapist.
That said, all flat-out asshole hecklers will never be seen again. One way or the other.
[tags]heckling, hecklers, stand-up comedy, comedians, dark humor[/tags]
Well, that pretty much seals it for me ever commenting again.
Unless the topic is bestiality. Dammit, the sheep diddlers of America need a voice!
“Unless the topic is bestiality. Dammit, the sheep diddlers of America need a voice!”
And I aim to provide them with one, so post away, dude.
Although I question the motives of a man who would diminish the depth and power of emotion in an bond between a man and a sheep as mere “diddling…”
You seem nice.
That is all.