You might not know this, but back in 2000, I ran for President of the United States. Or at least I’m told I am; I wrote my statement of intent and Paul, co-founder of The American Jerk, said he would handle the fundraising, and that was the last I heard of it as far as I can recall between it being year seven of a fine 21-year alcoholic haze and Paul constantly distracting me by shoving his new Goddamned Rolex Hyperion in my fucking face.
I did it mostly on a lark; after all, I was only 28 and therefore legally ineligible to serve even if I was somehow elected. And obviously I didn’t take it seriously at all, because back in those days, only a dingbat would have thought that the American people would elect a serious drunkard with a sophomoric sense of humor and absolutely no experience governing on a national level. Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to me that the Supreme Court might elect one.
So obviously I missed what turned out to be a legitimate chance at the Peak Seat, so I never bothered running again and I’ve never regretted it. Until now. I’m thinking that it might be my time to chuck my hat into the ring and enter the national Presidential debate, even in spite of an extra twelve years of unpresidential behavior including, but not limited to, a Jagermeister-fueled call, on the public airwaves, to alleviate a Boston winter cold snap by nuking Calgary.
Particularly if it means I get to debate this self-important douchenozzle.
Newt Gingrich will be crippled in the Republican primary race. The only reason I can think of for him to run for the Republican nomination for President would be that he has rareified personal tastes and his wife is tired of getting weird looks at the dry cleaners when she picks up the gimp suits and giant diapers.
Newt’s past is so checkered, particularly by conservative Republican standards, that it makes me look like a CPAC darling, and I have made life choices that have, more than once, put me in situations where I had to choose between being potentially arrested for either public urination now or wait until it turned into an arson charge.
That’s right: on paper, I am a better Republican than Newt Gingrich, and I’m the guy who called Michelle Malkin a cunt and said that John McCain should rub his scrotum on a nuclear warhead. There isn’t a plank in the conservative platform that I couldn’t use to beat Newt about the neck and head with… if I weren’t so convinced, based on this doomed “potential” candidacy, that he would like it.
Let’s go down the list, shall we?
TAXATION: He’s obviously against it.
RELIGIOUS LIBERTY: Newt was raised a Lutheran, converted to Baptism when he decided to run for office and realized there were votes in it, and then converted again to Catholicism a couple years ago. That means that Newt Gingrich has had a deep and personal realtionship with three different Jesuses, which is two more Jesuses than Madonna. Slut.
FAMILY VALUES / SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE: Newt believes firmly that the sacrament of marriage is one of the holiest. So much so that he’s done it three times, apparently to become closer to each of his three gods. He also is against the concept of gay marriage, apparently firmly believing that marriage can only work between a man and a woman… and another younger woman… then another yet younger woman… until death parts them or another model comes along hot enough to give his aging droop unit at least some side-boob half-chub.
IMMIGRATION: Newt has stated that he is in favor of tightly-controlled immigration and demands that all immigrants to the United States speak English. Which is a position I’m sure that he also held when he was a child who lived four years in France without actually learning French. Actually, I don’t know for sure whether or not he speaks French; I tried to Google it, but the results I got for “Newt Gingrich French” made me feel deeply icky. Regardless as to whether or not Newt learned the language in France, he apparently took to surrendering like a duck to water; it’s the only explanation for his wild-eyed terror over the concept of a Mexican Blitzkrieg.
HEALTH CARE: Newt’s against any form of government-supported health care, probably because he realizes that if health care had been more difficult to get in 1981 he wouldn’t have had to haul his carcass all the way to the oncology center to serve his wife divorce papers.
ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES: Newt has gone on record as being in favor of drilling as often as possible, whereever possible. Whoops! Sorry, I thought we were still in the Sanctity of Marriage section.
So yeah, I know that technically Newt’s only “exploring” a possible candidacy, but I can’t wait for him to shit or get off the pot, because I can’t wait to watch him have to tell reporters that he plans to run on his principles with the deer-in-headlights look of a man waiting to be asked when he plans to get some.
At best it’ll be Presidential theater. Sure, it’ll be Ford’s Theater, but that’s where the fun happens. And at worst, it’ll give me two politicians to be irritated by for ramming the phrase “winning the future” into my head.
[tags]Newt Gingrich, GOP, hypocrisy, political humor, dark humor[/tags]
