"I need your vote, your boots and your motorcycle. I'll be back... in 2004."

Super Tuesday knocked out both John McCain and Bill Bradley last month, making this a tough race for the Free Beer party. I’ve had a secret hope since I announced my candidacy that those two would knock out Bush and Gore, opening the door for a series of debates where I could challenge Bradley’s viability as a candidate due to his cardiac arrhythmia by challenging him to a little one-on-one. Sure, he used to be a pro, and I smoke, drink and couldn’t hit the basket with a flamethrower, but I think the American people would see me as the clear winner when his neck waddles turned bright red and he keeled over like the Titanic.

For my debates with McCain, I would walk onstage wearing black pajamas and carrying a bamboo spear. No matter what coherent, well-thought positions he laid out, I would respond by saying, “G.I. Joe, sign this confession and we’ll give you some water and let you out of the hole.” Within ten minutes I’d be running unopposed.

I haven’t been able to come up with any clear strategies like that to take on Gore and Bush. I’m toying with asking George, “When your daddy waved that bag of crack he supposedly bought in Washington Park in front of the TV cameras, did you drool, or had you already pawned your TV to get more blow?” I’m also thinking about bringing a beat box to debate Gore, playing some Twisted Sister or Ice T’s Cop Killer at maximum blast until Tipper flies into a jabbering hate frenzy, but neither of these ideas are foolproof.

On that basis, I’d like to take this opportunity to try to trick you suckers… I mean, convince the American people that I am the candidate to support. The two most important issues we face in this century are tax reform and overhauling Social Security and Medicare. Tax reform is one of my highest priorities, because Steve Forbes made himself a major candidate by hammering on this issue despite the fact that he’s a creepy rich guy who would have to have a complete autopsy to convince me that he’s not a Terminator. I am also committed to rebuilding Social Security and Medicare because my parents are approaching retirement age, and they have assured me that unless our programs for the aged are stabilized, they’ll stop sending me money.

As far as I’m concerned, these old farts are no better then those little Freshman punks who hid in the can during the beer kitty collection and then tried to drink for free. I worked those little shits over with a tire iron and a Mexican switchblade, and I don’t intend to let this go either.

The current administration has asserted that Social Security and Medicare are underfunded. They have also asserted that the term “sexual relations” doesn’t include the ol’ suckee-suckee, and they were lying about that, too. The problem with our programs for the aged isn’t a lack of money; it’s a surplus of old people. And while I stand by my promise to nuke Miami to winnow down this surplus, I now understand that this measure doesn’t go far enough.

A major part of the Social Security and Medicare tax base is the so-called “Sin Taxes.” These are sales taxes that have been levied on items that are thought to pander to simple human vices, such as alcohol and tobacco. In effect, drinkers and smokers who will never live to enjoy these Social Security or Medicare are footing the bill for people who never paid a dime in Sin Taxes. This isn’t fair. As far as I’m concerned, these old farts are no better then those little Freshman punks who hid in the can during the beer kitty collection and then tried to drink for free. I worked those little shits over with a tire iron and a Mexican switchblade, and I don’t intend to let this go either.

I believe it’s time to stop penalizing those who have the common decency to drop dead while they’re still working and contributing to the economy, and start letting these weasels, who live to be one hundred and suck off the public tit, pay their own way. That’s why, if elected, I will repeal all Sin Taxes and will institute a Health Fascist tax. That’s right: a 100 percent tariff on all gym memberships, exercise equipment, health food, vitamin pills and herbal medicines. This will encourage the average American citizen to drink, smoke and die at a decent age, and will let these carrot juice sucking, St. John’s Wort gobbling health fascists pay for their own Goddamned retirement for a change.

I know what you’re saying: “But Rob; we’re already outnumbered and surrounded by spiteful little scum who screech about secondhand smoke and drunk driving. Won’t this new tax just make that harassment worse?” Well, the First Amendment states that the president does not have the right to curtail even hateful speech against smokers and drinkers. However, there isn’t a force on Earth that can prevent me from taxing that speech. I figure every “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” will cost you fifty bucks, and every snide little fake cough will run a hundred. However, you will have the absolute right to ask a smoker to extinguish a cigarette in a public place, provided you don’t mind a minor flogging.

Ultimately, my campaign breaks down to a simple question: who you gonna vote for? A Texas billionaire, the second-in-command to an impeached sex addict, or a guy who will, in one stroke, give you cheaper booze and reduce the number of elderly people holding up the line at the convenience store buying lottery tickets with your hard-earned money? To sweeten the pot, next month I’ll lay out my plan for a $1,000 tax on white people who say “WHAZZZZUP!?” more than three times a day.