4-1-2000 p3

When it comes to holiday symbols, the foul-stenched, animated corpse of a rotting dead man will ALWAYS lose to a fuzzy bunny.
That “Water to Wine” thing got all screwed up in the press. Jesus actually dosed the reservoir with LSD.
This Easter, don't forget to celebrate the lesser-known miracles of Jesus, like The 14 Consecutive Orgasms of Mary Magdalene, That Time Peter's Donkey Belched the Entire Alphabet, and The Turning of Wine to Bourbon.
Mary knew how to shake it, if you get my drift.
You know, I actually didn't destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, I just instituted a cover charge and after that people just sorta lost interest.
The Romans would never have gotten the drop on My kid if those thirteen dingbats hadn’t made the Last Supper a liquid one.
When My kid told Thomas to “Put your hand into my side,” it wasn’t a gay thing.
Little known fact: "resurrection" is Latin for "holy beer run".
Contrary to popular belief, My kid didn’t say, “My God, my god, why hast thou forsaken me?” He actually said, “Yo Dad! Heineken me!”
The entire crucifixion is a fraud. My kid actually took two arrows to the back of the head from Samuel “The Taurus” Gravanus for skipping the vig on Coliseum bets.
The men who crucified My kid are in hell. Not for killing him, but for walking around afterwards wearing t-shirts saying “I nailed Jesus.”
Jesus will never return. I already sent him back once, in 1974. You people diagnosed him with delusional schizophrenia, slapped him in a rubber room and shot him full of Thorazine. Good work, morons.
For the record: Jesus was an Arab, had a short, Henry Rollins haircut, and a giant, Son-of-God penis.
Sick of spending Easter with your family? Mom still nagging you about finding that special girl and settling down? This year, bring a hooker. Have her "hide" some of the Easter eggs in her own special way.
Please don't pray to Me for anything during Easter. I'll be busy watching Debbie Does Galilee.