"Yeah Jenny, they're all  knocked up. My family's a mess. I mean it; they ain't right!"

Boy, did John McCain get a raw deal or what? Speaking as one of the Champion Hissy Fit Pitchers of all time, I was really insulted by all that pish posh about John McCain being unfit for the office of president because of his supposed bad temper. I got so tired of hearing about McCain's temper on the TV talk shows I threw my TV set out the window and then I threw a bowling ball out the window just in case the fall didn't kill it. Unfortunately, one of my neighbors was bent over the wreckage estimating if it could be salvaged and the bowling ball hit him on the head causing permanent brain damage and lifetime membership in the Reform Party, ha ha ha. Now that is the kind of thing that proves a man unfit to be president.

McCain proved that he really doesn't have a bad temper when he allowed that punk reporter to talk about his fifteen-year-old daughter getting pregnant and having an abortion without going Columbine on the reporter and kicking his ass off of the campaign bus. Let me tell you, if I had a fifteen-year-old daughter…  Aw, hell, if I had a kid I'd spend their fifteenth birthday in prison for giving them beer to keep ‘em quiet when they were five. Hey, am I asking you to vote for me? Leave me the hell alone.

But McCain handled that question without freaking out and it all settled down. What kind of half-assed USA Today press are we stuck with they let a potential story about getting thrown off a campaign bus by a psychotic senator just settle down? A real Gonzo journalist would have kept hammering away at McCain with a regular barrage of questions like "What would you do if you caught your fifteen year daughter in a lesbian three way with Melissa Etheridge, her stupid girlfriend, and a turkey baster full of David Crosby?" and "What would you do if your fifteen year old daughter rode off with a 47-year-old biker named Dick Meat who hears the voice of Curley from The Three Stooges telling him to devour Siamese housecats?" until something really print worthy broke out.

What would you do if you caught your fifteen year daughter in a lesbian three way with Melissa Etheridge, her stupid girlfriend, and a turkey baster full of David Crosby?

But I'm sure that McCain's daughter is a very nice young lady, otherwise we would have already seen ‘em on one of The Jenny Jones Show's "Jenny, Help! My Teen is Outta Control!" episodes. "Jenny, how am I gonna get the nomination with my daughter runnin' around lookin' like some lap dancing crack whore? Hey! Are you showin' pictures of my daughter's ass in those damn cut offs on the screen!? Take that off! Take that off! You think I went through hell in the Hanoi Hilton so Bill Clinton can pitch a tent over the fruit of my loins on daytime television?! Jenny, you gotta help me! My teen is outta control!"

"So, let's bring her out!"

McCain's daughter comes out with blue hair, a pierced nose, a bikini top, a leather mini skirt (I am getting way too excited writing this), some kinda slut shoes, and a tableaux of scenes from the Pamela and Tommy video tattooed all over her body. "Me so horny! Me so horny!"

"Look at her! Where did I go wrong!? Why did I even bother bailin' outta that plane?"

So then McCain goes to New Hampshire for the primary - "Senator McCain, you have a fifteen year old daughter -"

"What!? What did she do now!? Did she get herself knocked up!? I’m gonna kick her ass and nine months from now I’m gonna kick the kid's ass!!"

"Is that for the record, Senator?"

"The record? The record? You bastards!!" McCain leaps to his feet, pulls out a German World War Two Potato Masher hand grenade, puts a rubber Frankenstein mask over his face, and . .

Well, okay, that's what I did the last time my temper ruined my chances of fulfilling my professional ambitions (I was being interviewed for a job at Wendy's and the manager used the phrase "Been there, done that!" and did that thing where you make quotation marks with your fingers), but the whole point is that McCain didn't do it, so quit raggin' on the poor guy awready!

So who should you vote for now that he's been screwed out of his rightful destiny? Well, Rob Reuter of the Free Beer Party, of course! The other day I asked him "Hey, Rob, you've got a fifteen year old girlfriend -"

"What!? What did she do now!?" And then he leapt to his feet, pulled out a German World War Two Stuka Dive Bomber, put a rubber Scooby Doo mask over his face, and . . .

And if that doesn't prove that he's the right man for the job, just wait until you see him on "Jenny, Help! Our Teen is Dating an American Jerk!"