Tax-Life: Money Walks, Bullshit Incarcerates

Thank you for visiting the Internal Revenue Service's Frequently Asked Questions file! The IRS is committed to offering free tax help at no cost to you beyond the forty percent of your income we already take! Below are answers to many of the questions taxpayers would like to ask the IRS, but never do because in the past it would require you to call us, and you’d spend about fifteen minutes on hold listening to bad Musak versions of songs that sucked to begin with, before finally hanging up because you thought we were keeping you on the line to trace your number! I mean, how paranoid can you get?

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1. I am starting a small business. What help can the IRS give me?

The IRS is committed to helping small businesses, because they rarely have the resources to find tax shelters the way big businesses can. The best advice we can give you is to keep careful track of your income and send us say, all of it. We’ll figure out how much you should be refunded and will send you a check for that amount. You can trust us. We’re the government.

2.  I’ve received an IRS notice. I’ve contacted the IRS at least three times about it, but the problem still hasn’t been fixed. What should I do?

“Problem” is a pretty broad term there, chief. If you’ve received a notice from us, that means you owe us money. “Contacting” us don’t pay the rent, now does it? However, if by “contacting” us three times, you mean you’ve sent three checks, send one more and we might remember to make sure your mom has enough air.

3.  Is there any special assistance available on unresolved tax matters which are creating a hardship?

If you are suffering, or are about to suffer a serious hardship because of the ways United States Internal Revenue laws are being carried out, tough titty. You say “hardship,” we hear “evasion.” You wanna talk hardship? Hardship is a game of “Prison Shower Slap and Tickle” in Leavenworth.

You’ll get your refund when we’re Goddamned good and ready. You should get on your knees and thank God that you’re getting any money back anyway. We have access to military hardware, Sparky; we’ll mow your house down and sell the nails for scrap metal if we feel like it. Don’t call here again.

4.  How can I collect child support from my ex-spouse?

We’ll knock a dime off your bill so you can call someone who gives a fuck.

5. If I don’t agree with my audit assessment, do I have any appeal rights?

Sure. You’ve got rights. Lots of rights. For example, you have the right to remain silent, scumbag. Ask Willie Nelson if he had any appeal rights. Shit, we made up the amount he owed, and once we showed him the seven-foot tall, country music-hating gangbanger he was gonna share a cell with, you can bet your last dime that he paid up. However, don’t bet your last dime; it’s ours.

6. How can I check on the status of my refund?

You’ll get your refund when we’re Goddamned good and ready. You should get on your knees and thank God that you’re getting any money back anyway. We have access to military hardware, Sparky; we’ll mow your house down and sell the nails for scrap metal if we feel like it. Don’t call here again.

7.  Should I notify the IRS of my change of address?

If you don’t, we’ll find you anyway, and at your next address you’ll have to talk to your spouse on a phone, behind plexiglass.

8.  I just completed my tax return and discovered I owe the IRS money. What should I do?

Bend over.

9.  Can I ask to make installment payments on the amount I owe?

You can ask for anything you want. We’ve heard it all before. Jimmy Hoffa asked for an extension, so we extended him across six acres of Florida swamp. Would you look John Gotti in the eyes and ask for an installment plan? You could, if you have a mirror to peer around the bars. One check is technically an installment, motherfucker.

10.  I am unable to pay my delinquent taxes. Will the IRS accept an Offer of Compromise?

Absolutely. We’re reasonable here at the IRS. We’re not savages, for Christ’s sake. We’ll even consider a bartered trade. For example, the going rate for a kidney is $15,000, and how many of those do you need? You should cut down on your coffee intake, anyway.

11.  I will be vacationing out of the country on April 15th. Will I be eligible for an automatic extension?

Ooh, you’re gonna be on vacation, huh? Gonna be abroad? We’ll ignore the obvious joke about your being “abroad” after we incarcerate you, since we used it earlier.

12.  If I can't finish my tax return by April 15th, can I get an extension?

Good Christ, can’t you work a fucking calculator? Yeah, yeah, you can get an extension, but it’ll cost you. What are you gonna do for us? Did you know that a healthy white baby will fetch $50,000 on the black market, if you’ve got the connections? Don’t worry, we have the connections. Send the tyke to us Federal Express, then we’ll give you all the time you need, genius.

13.  Who do I call to report someone who is not filing tax returns?

No one likes a rat, Charlie… except us. Call your local IRS office, or just mention the person’s name in your car, which we have bugged. Maybe we’ll even overlook that under the table gay-retarded-amputee phone sex gig you have that you think we don’t know about.