Editor’s Note: ABC’s upcoming docudrama, “The Path to 9/11,” has recently attracted negative attention due to allegations that it presents a one-sided view of the events leading up to September 11th, 2001 and because it irresponsibly gave one of the New Kids On The Block work outside of a bus station men’s room.
Former President Clinton has complained that the film depicts events and conversations that never happened, while ABC executives defend the movie, saying that the script is based on interviews with several people in a position to know the truth.
Since we here at The American Jerk don’t like to traffic in hearsay that doesn’t involve your mother, we have been provided with what is reportedly (From a concerned commenter calling himself “theamericanjerkssuxxxx”) a portion of the final shooting script, which we reprint now for your perusal.
We Report, Then You Decide, And Then You Send Us Money In A Paper Bag. Then Please Fuck Off.
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SCENE 1 – TITLE: March 28, 1999
A RED PHONE RINGS ON A MAHOGANY DESK. A PALE, FLABBY HAND SLAPS AT IT A FEW TIME UNTIL It HITS THE “SPEAKER” BUTTON.
Clinton: (Off-camera): Yeah? I’m busy!
Tenet (On phone): Mr. President? This is CIA Director George Tenet. We’ve located Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan. We have Special Forces en route, and we need your go-ahead in order to –
CUT TO: The Oval Office desk. CLINTON is obviously naked except for a cardboard Burger King crown, his tattoos of burning American flags and Saddam Hussein clearly visible on his chest. On his desk is an inflatable sheep, which he is mounting from behind.
CLINTON: You damn STRAIGHT, I “been laid’n!” YEE-HAW!
CLINTON’S face scrinches up, and he gasps.
CLINTON: And now I’m DONE laid’n! Time for twelve Big Macs and a nap! (HE LOOKS AT HIS SCHEDULE) Crap! First, I gotta legalize bestial marriage, scuttle the Navy and personally hand checks to welfare queens! Gotta go, Mom!
TENET: But, Sir –
CLINTON HANGS UP THE PHONE.
Scene 2 – TITLE: August 6, 2001
President Bush sits behind the desk at the Oval Office in the lotus position. With his eyes closed, he listens to a tape of Dr. Stephen Hawking reciting String Theory, while simultaneously catching houseflies with a pair of chopsticks, and using caligraphy to pen a letter to Dr. Hawking pointing out his logical fallacies.
ROVE: Mr. President? Sensei?
The President opens his eyes, and the light in the room seems to grow brighter.
BUSH: Yes, Karl?
ROVE: Master, I’m sorry to disturb your meditation, but we’ve just received this intelligence communique.
BUSH: No need to apologize, Karl. Does Sun Tzu not teach us that there is no place where espionage is not needed? (BUSH reads the report) Bin Laden is determined to strike? My God, I know that he’s blamed us for undermining perceptions of the Saudi royal family as guardians of Islam since his idological rift with the Maktab al-KhadamÄt in 1988, but… well, all those years battling the Soviets, he must have gazed too long into the abyss, eh, Karl?
ROVE: (Struggling) Uh… Kierkegard, Sensei?
BUSH: Nietzche, actually. (BUSH walks, catlike, to his computer) I’ll send an e-mail to AWACS to alert them… what the deuce? Karl, it appears my keyboard doesn’t have a W key!
ROVE: That damned Clinton! He’s doomed America!
BUSH: Karl! Remember your Ghandi! Life is an adventure in forgiveness. (BUSH opens his desk drawer) Well, if I can’t alert AWACS, I’ll have to do this myself. (BUSH removes two Colt .45’s from his desk and looks at them fondly) Fred… Ginger… it’s been a while, but it’s time to dance!
ROVE: No, Master! Your ninja training can’t help us now!
BUSH: Perhaps you’re right. I need to reflect upon my adversary, and that will require fasting and further meditation. Fetch me my sigil, the one thing that can place me into what appears to be a deep, immobile trance, but which, in fact, is a state that allows me to understand my enemy as I understand myself.
ROVE: My Pet Goat, Sensei?
BUSH: Yes, Karl. Our only hope is to know our enemy.
ROVE: Sun Tzu?
BUSH: Public Enemy. Now leave me to my rigors.
FADE TO BLACK. TITLE: The director thanks Karl Rove for his contribution to this film.
[tags]The Path To 9/11, ABC, Docudrama, Bill Clinton, Madeline Albright, Sandy Berger, Donnie Wahlberg, President George W Bush, Karl Rove, dark humor, political humor, satire[/tags]
