…Does Whatever a Jesus Can

Back in 1979, when I was in third grade, my parents bought me Spider-Man Underoos, because as well-read and intelligent parents, they understood that if they indulged me in this simple request, there might be a reasonable probability that I might finally shut the fuck up about wanting Spider-Man Underoos. Clearly they did not take into account the probability that I might run out into the street in my underpants, yelling “Thwip!” at elderly passers-by. But then again, how could they? They weren’t in a position to be watching me very closely, since they lived in Florida when I did that last week.

Look, I know I’m dating myself here… and now I’m finished. Hang on; let me get a Kleenex.

Anyway, my point is, they bought me the novelty underwear because I liked Spider-Man. They were not trying to indoctrinate me into worshipping Spider-Man. They weren’t shaking me awake early on a Sunday morning to climb the side of the house to live the way Our Savior Peter Parker did, it was to clean the fucking gutters. Frankly, they were hoping that I would, someday, stop liking Spider-Man. Had they known that twenty-eight-years later, I would be spending my vacation money to go to San Diego ComicCon instead of visiting them, they would have bought me Paper Chase Underoos. However, I trust that they understand that their wise decision then is keeping them out of The Home now.

Anyway, with that in mind, I present you with The Armor of God PJs. I’ll wait while you read the text in the picture.

Isn’t that cute? I just love how the PJ’s bring out the vacant, brainwashed look in the boy’s eye, while he inexorably pulls his sister’s hand toward his pants, helpfully labelled “Truth”. Thus proving that the Lord helps those who help themselves, and these kids are well on the way to helping themselves to a lucrative niche-fetich Webcam business. Praise Jesus!

Look: besides the obvious creep-factor of the concept of teaching kids about Jesus by dressing them in pajamas three red stripes away from Hugh Hefner’s, I’m a little weirded out that these spastics think that these PJs will make kids religious. Reasonable people understand that dressing your kids up in a medieval suit of armor on a nightly basis makes them LARP, and that’s not any good for anybody. No Godfearing parent wants a child to grow up to say, “Jesus saves… against poison gas, thanks to my lucky 20-sided die! Now Jesus will attack the nearest hobgoblin! But first, Jesus wants a Diet Mountain Dew! Please stop whipping spitballs at Jesus’ other cheek.”

To me, there are two ironic things about this product. The first is: the fact that these pajamas even exist means that there are parents who think that dressing their children as soldiers of their god is nothing but wholesome, religious, family fun. Which sounds good to me in theory, which is why I’m going to start my own line of pajamas called Armor of Allah. Because then my girl can sell the foam-rubber dynamite belts (Tastefully stenciled with “Martyr”) on eBay as collectors’ items after I go to Guantanamo Bay and maybe she can finally get enough money to buy a new fucking car.

The second ironic thing is: I’ve read Ephesians 6:10-18, and the one thing that’s missing from this costume is the “Sword of the Spirit.” These pajamas are for kids, so you know all they want is the sword. And while I understand that there’s no sword so that the kids don’t hurt themselves, I just like imagining the conversation:

“No son, you can’t get the Sword of the Spirit from the Internet. You can only get God’s Spirit Sword delivered to you directly from a priest! So cinch up your Righteousness shirt, put on your Truth pants, and button up your If You Tell Your Parents I’ll Tell Jesus To Send Them Hell buttflap and we’ll see the Father tomorrow. Pleasant dreams!”

[tags]Armor of God, pajamas, pjs, Jesus Christ, Ephesians religion, dark humor[/tags]