BLACK SCREEN. VOICEOVER FROM SUPERMAN II: Sorry I’ve been away so long. I won’t let you down again.
Title card: FIVE YEARS LATER…
A spaceship crash-lands on a farm in rural Kansas. MARTHA KENT emerges from the farmhouse and walks to the ship. Clark Kent steps out.
CLARK: Hi, Mom! I’m back from looking for Krypton, even though my father Don Corleone told me it blew up years ago!
MARTHA: Clark? After five years, is it you? I CAN’T be seeing you!
CLARK: Sure you can, Mom!
MARTHA: No, I can’t! Because I was older than dirt when you left home in the first movie! Then you spent ten years learning about Krypton in your Fortress of Solitude, then you were Superman for a couple of movies, and now you’ve been gone for five years! That makes me 127 years old! That doesn’t seem likely, does it?
MARTHA DROPS DEAD
CLARK! NOOOOOOO!
Scene 2: CLARK enters the Daily Planet
CLARK: Hi, Lois!
LOIS: Clark! I’m not at all interested in where you’ve been for five years!
CLARK: Uh…
LOIS: Or why you’ve been gone almost exactly as long as Superman!
CLARK: Well… congratulations on winning a Pulitzer Prize, the highest award in journalism! What did you win it for?
LOIS: I wrote an article called “Why the World Doesn’t Need Superman!”
CLARK: But.. why would you do that?
LOIS: Because Perry said I couldn’t publish an article called “September 11th: Thanks For Nothing, Douchebag.”
CLARK: Uh, I have to go, Lois.
CLARK leaves. three seconds later, SUPERMAN flies past the Daily Planet
LOIS: It’s Superman! He came back the same day as Clark! You know that that is, Chief? That’s a cunnilingus!
PERRY: You mean coincidence, Lois.
LOIS: I can’t find my helmet! But I’m special! I have a Poop Prize!
PERRY: You sure do, Lois. You sure do.
SCENE 3: LEX LUTHOR’S SECRET HEADQUARTERS. LUTHOR AND HIS SIDEKICK KITTY LOOK AT A MAP OF THE EAST COAST OF THE UNITED STATES
LUTHOR: My plan is to create a new continent to sell real estate on! This continent will be made of sharp, barren broken glass! And all I have to do is destroy the east coast of the United States, killing the wealthiest people in the world who could afford to buy my real estate! My empty, stabby real estate!
KITTY: Hey… this isn’t the set of Party Girl 2!
LUTHOR: One million dollars! Shorn scrotum!
KITTY: Where’s my fucking agent?
LUTHOR: Shh!
SCENE 4: CLARK AND RICHARD WHITE, LOIS’S CURRENT FIANCEE, HUNT THE INTERNET FOR CLUES TO HER WHEREABOUTS
CLARK: So you’re Perry’s son, huh? You look familiar, but I don’t remember meeting you. Tell me about yourself.
RICHARD: Not much to tell, but I’ll tell you this: no matter what Bryan Singer tells you, blowing him might get you in his movie, but he still won’t give you much to do.
CLARK: …dirty mutant.
SCENE 5: SUPERMAN LANDS ON LUTHOR’S YACHT TO SAVE LOIS AND HER SON
SUPERMAN: Lois! Thank God you’re safe! Great Krypton! Your five-year-old son, Jason, has superpowers! He’s killed a man!
LOIS: Superpowers? I knew it! It’s all for you, Jason! All for –
SUPERMAN: Put the rope down, Lois! This means that Jason’s my son!
LOIS: But… we never had sex!
SUPERMAN: Yes we did! But I gave you something to forget it, so you wouldn’t remember that you slept with me!
LOIS: We had sex!?
SUPERMAN: Yes! Five years ago!
LOIS: But… I’m only 22 years old!
POLICE CAPTAIN: I’ve heard enough. Superman, you’re under arrest for the forcible felony rape of a minor. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will –
WITH SHAKING HANDS, LOIS TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE
SUPERMAN: You really shouldn’t smoke that, Lois.
LOIS: Why not?
SUPERMAN: Because I’ll need something to buy off my cellmate.
Title card: FIVE YEARS LATER…
CELLMATE: Bitch better have Hulk’s money! Not some of Hulk’s money… all of Hulk’s money!
[tags]Superman Returns, Bryan Singer, Lex Luthor, summer movies, parody, dark humor[/tags]
