Mississippi Queens

I apparently watched the first Presidential debate last night. I only know this because I intended to watch it and I have the notes I apparently took while it was on. I remember seeing that John Cole had posted the rules to a debate drinking game that looked like fun:

McCain lies- 1 drink

McCain lies blatantly- 1 drink

McCain says “My friends”- 1 drink

McCain says “My friends” and includes the weird and awkward forced smile that screams CHILD TOUCHER- 1 drink

McCain says Obama is out touch – one sip

McCain says “I put country first”—two sips

McCain says Obama will raise taxes for Middle class – 2 shots

Any mention of POW, Viet Nam, service to country- 1 drink

“Ready on Day One”- One drink

Blatant pandering over Israel/Georgia/wherever- 1 drink

Discussing the surge- 1 drink

In fact, it sounded like so much fun that I remember finding Web video of McCain’s convention speech to familiarize myself with the rules. I then vaguely remember having to stop the video before it finished because I ran out of beer. Today it seems that I am also out of whiskey for some reason. And every time I move my head quickly I whimper and wish I could build a time machine to execute Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas for making me go through this kind of thing.

So I have no memory, sequential or otherwise, of what actually transpired during the debate beyond a bunch of scrawled notes I found on in my notebook the coffee table. With no ability to put these notes into context, I’ll simply reproduce them here.

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• Obama went first, which is what we call in the comedy business “Taking the bullet.” I imagine that this was by McCain’s consent, although Obama going first was probably not what John had in mind.
• McCain sending his thoughts to Ted Kennedy in the hospital, which would sound like he was whoring for the sympathy vote to anyone who’s never met my dad, who met the inital news of Kennedy’s brain tumor with more glee than I saw from him when I got accepted into college. “First damn thing that’s in his head that wasn’t J & B,” my dad said at the time. So while it sounds like McCain’s trying to be a sympathetic human being, he knows full well that he just stoked the base with the image of broken, doddering Democrats dying in hospital beds while Conservatives marsh toward the Thousand Year Contract With The Homeland.
• McCain: “I also warned about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.” Yeah. I brought it up when I was there picking up my check.
• With God as my witness, I am going to butcher the next human being who says “not just the people on Wall Street, but the people on Main Street”.
• McCain: “We spent three million dollars to study the DNA of bears in Montana. I don’t know if that was a criminal issue…” Are you shitting me? That’s a bargain. Do you have any idea of what it takes to jerk off a grizzly bear? Frankly, I wouldn’t do it for less than five million.
• Jesus, Obama… did you forget debating 101? Never agree with your opponent. In any debate, everything your opponent says is wrong, so stop agreeing with McCain. If McCain says that he has two working legs, you respond by saying he’s never offered any concrete evidence that he does… and even if it’s true, he only has them so he could work the rudder on his plane well enough to napalm babies, and to give him the leverage to clandestinely fuck his retarded running mate. You’re welcome, Barry. That’ll be $500.
• McCain: “On the Senate floor, I was called the sheriff.” Now we’re just into cosplay, John, and that makes me feel icky. “I didn’t win Miss Congeniality in the United States Senate.” That’s it; I’m going to take a shower.
• I hope I’m seeing double because of the booze, because I don’t think I could stand it if there were really two Barack Obamas. It’s like being lectured by two humorless political science professors.
• Jim Lehrer asked how the financial crisis would, in a broad way, affect how each dude would approach the presidency, and McCain said, “How about a spending freeze on everything except defense, veterans affairs and entitlements?” Good plan, John; it takes a confident man to deny raises to his Secret Service security detail.
• Remember to ask if there was extra tomato sauce on tonight’s pizza. Otherwise, what you just flushed probably indicates a serious medical condition.
• Again with McCain’s Goddamned Miss Congeniality horseshit. The ironic thing is, that’s the only qualification his Vice President has.
• We’re more than an hour into this pig, and McCain is not looking at Obama. At this point, he’s avoiding eye contact with him. I guarantee you that the pundits are gonna say it’s because of arrogance, but I think he’s just nervous because he doesn’t have a car door to lock.
• A one way flight to Manitoba is only $200. Actually, that’s too fucking close to Alaska. Ontario, maybe?

[tags]Barack Obama, John McCain, Presidential Debate, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]