Editor’s Note: Earlier this week the White House revealed that it had lost approximately 225 days of staff email from the early days of the Bush administration, and that there is “little if any likelihood” that they will be recovered. This revelation caused an uproar amongst opponents of the president, who accused the administration of destroying the data to hide evidence of wrongdoing. However, those people were clearly shortsighted and spiteful; it is unthinkable that the Bush administration could lose their private emails and computer data; after all: they still have yours.
In fact, a recovery effort has already been undertaken by the staff of the American Jerk, who have dilligently used the ISO 9002 method of data recovery known in the IT industry as “making shit up.” In the interest of full public disclosure, the first of the recovered messages appear below.
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from   President George W. Bush <fiterpilet@whitehouse.gov>
to   All White House Staff
date   Thu, Jan 26, 2001 at 2:38 PM
subject   www.sex.com
- www.porno.com
- www.dirtypictures.com
- www.nakedboobies.com
- www.chikwithadonky.com
- www.pornogoogle.com
- www.WHYWONTTHEINTERNETSWORK????,com
- www.IOAMTEHPRESIFENTANDIWANTDIRTYPOICTURS.COM!!!!
- www.screwit im the president i can get penthouse.FUCKYOU!!!
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from   President George W. Bush <fiterpilet@whitehouse.gov>
to George H. W. Bush <Ex_CIC@earthlink.com>
date   Tues, Feb 2, 2001 at 11:48 AM
subject   advice
Hi Dad! I need some advice.
When I was a kid I used to love it when Mr. Raygan would send you and us family on trips to other countrys to go to the funerals of foren leaders. I thought it would be a nise treat to send Mr. Cheney on a vacation, so I told him I wanted him to go to a foren leader’s funeral. Then he said that is I didn’t shut up and go away he would send me to a fucking funeral.
My question is: which bedroom in the White House has a low enough bed that I can relax and stop asking my Secret Service guys to check under it for Mr. Cheney at night?
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from   President George W. Bush <fiterpilet@whitehouse.gov>
to Prince Herbert Mugabe <9KeK7wL@nigeria.com>
date   Tues, Mar 13, 2001 at 11:48 PM
subject  Foreign Assistance
Dear Prince Mugabe,
I got your message and I am heartbroken that your funds are trapped in a Nigerian Bank. As the President, I wish to offer the assistance of the United States. Please call me at 202-456-1111 for the Treasury’s routing number.
BUT!!!! Please make your countrymen stop offering me herbal drugs. I want the real shit or I’ll nuke Nigeria and the REST of Canada off the face of the earth.
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from   President George W. Bush <fiterpilet@whitehouse.gov>
to   Vice President Richard Cheney <president@whitehouse.gov>
date   Wed, Sep 11, 2001 at 10:48 AM
subject  Update
Mr. Vice President, here is the update that you requested about today’s events:
My book report is about My Pet Goat. It is a book about a girl with a pet goat who eats everything. The girls parents want to get rid of the goat but then it butts a robber and is a hero. I liked the book very much, and I think it was about liking fat people even though they eat too much and are gross.
Now that I’ve done my book report, can I get the briefcase with the big red button back? My Gameboy’s in it, and I’m BOOOOORED!
[tags]Lost White House Email, President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]
This may be true if Dubya could find the “any” key.
He could find the “any” key if he didn’t spend all his time pressing the “del” key and yelling into the keyboard, “DEL! I can’t find the ‘any’ key! Help me, Del! DEL!”