JULY 23, SAN DIEGO, CA — United States Naval sea and air units were deployed today in anticipation of a “massive invasion of Orcs, armed Imperial Stormtroopers, and foreign versions of American superheroes, such as Indian Superman,” said San Diego Mayor Earl Faux in a press conference earlier today.
“Credible intelligence sources indicate that San Diego will be overrun by more than an eighth of a million nerds, and we have to take threats like this seriously,” said Faux, sweating profusely and slightly drooling. “I have asked the military to respond to these threats. Downtown San Diego cannot, and will not, become another Helm’s Deep.”
When asked about the source of the intelligence about the attack, Mayor Faux slammed what appeared to be a replica of a sword made of PVC pipe and screeched, “Here’s my (expletive deleted) intelligence! TSA reported dozens of these Goddamned things coming through the airport today alone!”
“Last year’s zombie attack should have been a wakeup call, but those wussy liberals on the city council ignored me, and said I should start taking my lithium again!” The mayor shouted, “Hell, I saw The Dark Knight, and Batman almost couldn’t stop one Joker! And we’re expecting hundreds of Jokers! We are well and truly (expletive deleted), people!”
When asked if it was not reasonable to expect that the hundreds of Jokers could be stopped by the hundreds of Batmen reportedly referred to in the intelligence report, the Mayor moaned and said, “Jesus, not a week after beating the Joker, Batman kicked the christ out of his own mother!” And you want hundreds of these (expletive deleted) running around loose? Not on my watch!“
The mayor reported that he has asked Naval personnel to respond with “all unnecessary force. Stormtroopers will be given the opportunity to renounce their Imperial citizenship and be deputized. Superheroes with more than 30 percent body fat will be sent to interment camps on Coronado Island. Furries will be shot on sight.”
“This is the end times, people! I have seen things that you (expletive deleted) wouldn’t believe! Five foot two Dark Vaders in pink armor! Narutos, five men deep! Eight-month pregnant Power Girls! And I am the man to deal with this crisis! Because the cost of freedom is eternal vigilance, which is why I have been taking amphetamines. We will march to victory on a road of Pikachus.”
The mayor began pounding on the podium and howled, “Now get the hell out of here, while you have the chance! Save yourselves, before anarchy reigns, the senate is dissolved, and local governors maintain order through fear! Fear of the awesome power of this battle station!“
The mayor then began struggling with his zipper and apparently weakly urinated before being escorted off the stage by San Diego SWAT troopers.
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Why yes, I am trying to kill time until Preview Night starts letting people in. Why do you ask?
[tags]San Diego Comic Con 2008, Nerd Prom[/tags]
We will march to victory on a road of Pikachus!
Sweet Jesus, I’m having that tattooed onto my ass. Have fun in San Dog. Hopefully I won’t have been fired by the time that you return.