The American Jerk: Tips for Living From Your Vengeful God

Tips For Living From Your Vengeful God

By God

As told to Ken MacDonald, Paul St. Fakename, Esq. and Rob Reuter

Bring me the head of the beast known as Baz Luhrman. He's the guy that "sings" the song Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). I want his balls fed to him. That pretentious asshole who thinks he can preach all of life's answers in a song. It should be inherently known to man that life's answers can be found through dangerous experimentation with mind altering drugs!
Don't rely on man-made laws. If My children are having disputes with their neighbors, don't sue or bring them to court; declare them a witch. It's a lot quicker and easier that way. Plus, there's no legal fees.
On the eighth day, I created midget wrestling.
Eating kosher is one way to live a spiritual lifestyle. The Atkins Diet (you know, the one that allows you to eat bacon, cheeseburgers, salt, fat, and whiskey), is also acceptable.
Hell is not eternal damnation. Listening to Britney Spears’s album without the benefit of seeing her hooters is.
Singing hymns in church is nice. I also would enjoy a rousing rendition of Roll Your Leg Over, or anything off of the "Greatest Tits" album by Dr. Dirty John Valby.
Fire and brimstone are not the Wrath of God. Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce is.
In Alabama and parts of West Virginia, Pillsbury Crescent Rolls count as the Eucharist.
The world needs losers too. So cheer up and have another drink, you bum!
You never figured out what I really meant by "burning bush," did you?