The American Jerk Month in Pictures

"All The News We Could Make Up While Drunk"

By Paul St. Fakename, Esq.

"Thank you, Mr. President. Don't forget your rubber! Extra-thin, for YOUR pleasure."

January 2, Washington, DC: Clinton Denies Using Military Personnel as Pimps, Says, "Those $1,000 Tips are a Democratic Party Tradition"; Claims, "Even FDR Gave 'em $500 and a Big Wet Hickey."

"Ted, you never told me Jane was double-jointed!"

January 9, New York City: In Perhaps the Biggest Merger Ever, AOL Announced It Would Buy Media Titan Time-Warner For $2 Billion, An Undisclosed Amount of Stock, and a Palm Pilot That Continuously Looped a Grainy MPEG of Jane Fonda Being Reamed in the Ass By a Horse Named "The Pope."

"When you said I'd be meeting vegetables, I thought you meant, you know, cripples. You're fired, Jameson..."

January 15, Des Moines, IO: Bill Bradley Vows He'll "Never Again Meet Anyone I 'Chat' With On The Internet. Ashley Judd Look-alike, My ASS!"

"This man has massive head trauma! We need to get him to a vet, STAT!"

January 18, Costa Rica: Small Plane Crashes Drunkenly Into Man's House; Costa Rican Officials Report: "No Kennedys Were Involved."

Come on! Two of them are still virgins - that's gotta be worth a couple thousand votes!!!"

January 20, Iowa City, IO: Desperate Presidential Hopeful Steve Forbes Auctions Off Family as Sex Slaves in Exchange For Votes; Later Has Daughters Returned Due to "Lack of Suck-Power", Loses Iowa Caucus.

"And now for my impression of a thin Alfred Hitchcock!"

January 20, Ottumwa, IO: Senator McCain, Also Desperate for Caucus Votes, Entertained Iowans With Shadow Puppets - First Portraying a "Barking Dog," Then a "Slithering Snake," and Then Lastly "Governor Bush Mainlining Smack Into His Left Arm."

Gonzalez's mother may have perished in the trip, but the boy and Clinton's cigars made it through JUST FINE.

January 27, Miami, FL: Cuban Boy Wants to "Be Like Nixon"; Vows to "Get That John Dean Bastard."

Main Archive Table of Contents

February, 2000 Table of Contents

The American Jerk President   Wino of the Year...   Why John Rocker Sucks...

Month in Pictures   Squinty the Monkey

Are You Romantic Enough?   Dr. Rob's Guide to Child Rearing   My Old Friend Noodles

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.