Republican John McCain has proven to be such a popular presidential candidate that the Democrats have found an ex-Vietnamese POW camp inmate to run on their ticket: professional Russian Roulette champ Noodles Nguyen. We interviewed Noodles in the illegal gambling den full of screaming Cubans where he has spent the past twenty-seven years of his life.

THE JERK: What kind of impact did your imprisonment by the North Vietnamese have on your political philosophy?

NOODLES: Whatever you want, just don't torture me, please! Just don't torture me!

THE JERK: You're running as a Democrat. Are you a liberal?

NOODLES: You want me to be a liberal; I'll be a liberal! You want me to spy on the other prisoners and give you information on them, I'll spy on the other prisoners and give you information on them, just don't torture me! Please don't torture me!

THE JERK: So -

NOODLES: Uh, hold on a minute. I've got to take care of something.

Noodles holds a revolver to his head, pulls the trigger, and the hammer clicks on an empty chamber.

NOODLES: You were saying?

THE JERK: Were you tortured by the Vietnamese?

NOODLES: No, I was not tortured by the noble and peace-loving people of North Vietnam, you imperialist dog. I must go; it is time for me to feed the rotten fish heads to the Yankee air pirates.

THE JERK: No, no, come back here...

NOODLES: What?

No, I was not coerced into signing that statement against my will by the noble and peace loving people of the Democratic National Committee, you imperialist dog. Now please; it is time to feed the rotten fish heads to the Yankee air pirates!

THE JERK: This pro-choice, pro-gun control, and pro-gay rights statement we were given with your signature on it… do you really hold those positions or is this something the people in the Democratic National Committee wrote up for you and you just signed it?

NOODLES: No, I was not coerced into signing that statement against my will by the noble and peace loving people of the Democratic National Committee, you imperialist dog. Now please; it is time to feed the rotten fish heads to the Yankee air pirates!

THE JERK: Do you -

NOODLES: Excuse me.

Noodles holds another, different revolver to his head, pulls the trigger, and again it does not go off.

THE JERK: What, in your view, is the biggest problem with American society?

NOODLES: The systematic oppression of women, non-whites, and Jews.

THE JERK: Did the Vietnamese teach you that?

NOODLES: No, the Democrats did. The Vietnamese taught me to say "The systematic oppression of women, non-whites, and people that don't eat cats."

THE JERK: Don't you think you're still living in the past?

NOODLES: Living in the past? Let me tell you something about living in the past, pal. Once you've been all alone in the dark with two broken arms and two broken legs and you're up to your nose in your own waste and you haven’t seen another human face in God only knows how long, you'll never be able to live in the past again for as long as you live. Cause when a man has been reduced to that level of misery, there ain't no past and there ain't no future, man! You ain't got nothin' but the present! And that's the only thing that keeps you alive, pal! You gotta - hold that thought…

Noodles holds another revolver to his head, pulls the trigger, and blows his brains out.

NOODLES: Oh, thank God!

Noodles dies.

THE JERK: What does a guy have to do to get a beer around here?