Call more people "Paisan"

Fix the Kentucky Derby again

Pimpify my Ford Escort

Send a fish wrapped in a George Magazine to Teddy Kennedy

Stop harassing Bela Legosi's widow

Lobby to have “Sterno” named Alcoholics Anonymous’s thirteenth step

Watch more midget Jell-O wrestling

Experiment with ways to introduce alcohol into my system quicker than drinking it

Get on Cops at least once

Convert to Islam, change name to “Firehose Pete”

Be nicer to Polacks, the bastard micks, and those greasy dago wops

Mock John Denver more often

Counterprotest at abortion clinics with placard showing picture of people with jobs

Expand my kneecap collection

Work the phrase “enhanced autoerotic stimulation through oxygen deprivation” into my work performance evaluation.

Lobby President to rename Congress as “Molly Hatchet”

Slap more strangers

Drive to New York, take a dump in the lobby of the Museum of Modern Art, get the Supreme Court to make Mayor Giuliani pay me for it

Impregnate wife. Name kid “Eddie Big Balls”

Become a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire; spend three episodes answering the $100 question. Call Regis “Mr. Sajak.” Claim you think better naked. Use “Call a friend” lifeline for phone sex

Work on NFL-style celebration dance to do after flushing in crowded mens’ rooms

Give Milk Bones to seeing eye dogs when they are halfway through the crosswalk

Sell at least one organ on eBay

Write children’s book: Daddy and the Man He’s Poking in the Behind

Stop obsessing over Neve Campbell and her sweet, sweet ass. Oh baby. You will be mine - you and those luscious breasts of yours. Oh yeah. Why don't you write me back, you bitch! Someone's going to teach you a lesson. Why don't you call?!? After all the dead cats I've sent you!!!!!