The
American Jerk Readers Rate The CandidatesThe
American Jerk Readers Rate The Candidates
By Paul St. Fakename, Esq.
Chalk it up to a healthy distrust of CNN, USA Today and Penthouse. Okay, chalk it up to psychotic paranoia fueled by weeks of siphoning what "Fast" Joey LaMothe assured us was Turkish beer from where his cousin Deke had hidden it in the gas tank of a ’76 Vega. We wanted to personally check the pulse of the nation on this election thing. So we got ourselves good and drunk, like all great journalists, and we went in search of the typical American voter. We somehow wound up at the Fuzzy Grape strip club on transvestite night and found that most voters were leaning towards Barney Frank, I would suppose on a write-in ballot. So we gave up, hung out at Arby’s for six hours and made up the following responses while screeching at anyone who appeared to have a real job.
*Editor’s note: Yes, we are aware that Dan Quayle has officially dropped out of the race. Yes, we did have plenty of time before we updated the site to remove his section from this article. We decided to make fun of him anyway because, dammit,, he’s Dan Quayle and he has it coming. The only other political figure with anywhere near as much comedic potential is Teddy Kennedy and I think we’ve pretty much made sure that any race that bastard runs will drop right off the side of a bridge.
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Main Archive Table of Contents
October, 1999 Issue Table of Contents
It's
Sick... How to Write a
Humor Column... It's Like, You Suck...
Month in Pictures Kiddie Korner
Are You Presidential Material? White Trash NASDAQ Rate The Candidates
The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.
