The Lost Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush

By Rob Reuter

"Liquor? Don't even know 'er! Ha ha ha... but seriously folks, vote for me..."

"The speculation is out of control. The whole 'wild' thing is overblown, but maybe that's my fault. I should have had a more clinical discussion about [my] drinking. But this is a world where the whole game is to destroy somebody, and I'm not participating. If people don't like the way I'm handling it, they can find somebody else."

-George W. Bush, From Time Magazine, By Eric Pooley with S.C. Gwynne, June 14, 1999

*Editors' note: When we first ran across this quote by George W. Bush, the present front-running Republican candidate for President of the United States, we had the natural reaction: We've found our man. Any candidate for booze obviously speaks for us. However, we quickly rethought our position, being from Massachusetts and having ready access to Ted Kennedy.

The above-quoted kind of candid admission is rare for a presidential candidate in a society where getting a hummer can get you fired from office. Let's face it, most people spend most of their free time trying to get hummers yet we impeached Clinton; what might we do to a president with a hulking Jack Daniel's monkey on his back? Can we trust a candidate who apparently hasn't asked himself what America might do if our president stood up at a state dinner with the Russians and shouted, "I love you fuckin' guys"?

We first thought that Bush apparently hasn't learned the phrases plausible deniability, cover-up, and I don't recall from his dad. However, an even more insidious thought is: if Bush is willing to publicly acknowledge his boozebag status, what the hell might he be hiding?

"'Infanticide: The murder of one's child.' Hmmm..."

We thought that perhaps we could locate other telling quotes by the candidate that would lend insight into his character. We assigned Rob, a former journalism student, to track down some of these quotes for publication. His results were amazing, especially since his research appeared to totally consist of not leaving his house or picking up his phone once, frantically scribbling while giggling to himself, and drinking a case of beer.

What follows are the quotes that Rob was able to produce. In response to the accusation that getting drunk and possibly making up quotes might be considered irresponsible journalism, Rob said: "Great! Maybe I can quit this Godawful rag and get a gig at the Boston Globe!"

• "Put the fucking money in the bag! Don't fuck with me or I'll blow your Goddamned brains out!"

-July 11, 1965, Amarillo Savings Bank

• "C'mon sergeant; you're not gonna send a gay fella to Vietnam, are you?"

-May 5, 1969, Houston Armed Forces Inception Center

• "From China, my ass… this shit’s been cut more than Sharon Tate."

-April 23, 1973, YMCA, Dallas, TX

• "It's amazing.. You just stick it in a hole in the wall, and someone sucks it!"

-November 29, 1976, Unspecified diner, San Francisco, CA.

• "That's right; put every dime into disco record companies. I want to hear disco coming out of every radio."

-February 3, 1978, telephone call to investment broker.

• "Listen Mark, I know how you feel. You should read Catcher in the Rye, I think you'd identify with it... Yeah, I heard he lives at The Dakota, too."

-November 30, 1980, telephone call to Mark David Chapman

• "C'mon Ivan, you can tell me. Just cough once for yes and twice for no if I should buy into your company."

-January 15, 1984, telephone call to Ivan Boesky

• "Jeb, I'm your fucking brother, and supercharged Porsches don't grow on trees... Just write me the Goddamned cashier's check, all right? Nobody's ever gonna investigate a savings and loan, for Christ's sake."

-June 10, 1985, telephone call with Jeb Bush

• "Jesus, Dad... the Iranians aren't that bad... What, are they gonna fire an anti-tank rocket across the Atlantic at us? Let the towelheads kill each other! Look, if you want that old fart's office in a couple of years, you gotta get those hostages out..."

-September 1, 1986, Family reunion, Dallas, TX.

• "Look Dad, chicks are not that bright, okay? All they want is a pretty face that they think impresses world leaders... The retard doesn't need to be able to spell to look sad to foreign funerals, does he?"

-May 18, 1988, Kennebunkport, ME

• "Okay, now that the plastic surgery’s healed up nicely, here's half a million in unmarked, non-sequential bills and an untraceable gun. You parachute in, whack the fucker and take his place. Then you give the order to invade Kuwait... Why? Between selling guns to Iran and the whole 'wimp' thing, Dad'll never get reelected. He needs to look like he was right to sell guns to Iraq's mortal enemy, and then kick some ass... Yeah, yeah, I'll make sure he stops the ground war just short of getting to you. Just do what you're Goddamned told."

-April 12, 1990, Johns Hopkins Hospital

• "Okay, here's half a million in unmarked non-sequential bills. You get a gig as an intern, get him to pop his nut on something, keep it, and call this number. Tell the woman who answers everything; she'll be taping, but pretend you don't know. Just play along. Hey look, now is not the time to have second thoughts. You wanted to be famous, but with that ass, you won't get famous on Beverly Hills 90210, know what I mean? You don't want your mom to get hurt, do you?"

-May 12, 1996, Baltimore, MD

• "Hey dad, can I borrow some money?"

-The day before announcing candidacy, 1999, Dallas, TX.

Main Archive Table of Contents

August, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

 Dead Kennedys   Fast Times  Secret of My Happiness

Month in Pictures   Blue Moon   

   Stupidity   George W. Bush   Escape From Ricky Martin   

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The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.