Start Your Own Multimillion Dollar Business

By The Late Great MoonDog Tabor

Hi. If you're anything like me, which I kind of doubt because I am an 8' 4" infrared man from the large metropolis of Asbestos, Canada, you want to start your own business. You're sick of your job, if you have one, and all the people associated with it. There's your boss. She's okay until she breaks out the bagpipes and Dr. McGillicuddy's right next to your desk for your 11 hours in a tin can. A few years back, she got really into the Sarajevo Winter Olympics and convinced you to start a company curling team, which has not exactly prospered. It started well enough. The Binge Drinking Club from your office spent a good meeting at McMurphyson's one night and all signed on to your team. They did well for a while until the Conference Rules Committee determined that you needed a Breathalyzer prior to doing that broom thing. They were finished. I think they mostly hang out with American Jerk editors now. Well anyways, that left you and Russ running the team for the last 7 or so years. He's an ok guy. Well, no he's not. He's just Alf on amphetamines. All that leaves is your co-workers and you know how I feel about people: they're Furbies on estrogen.

So anyways, I'm gonna show you how to start your own business. Not that I really know how or have my own business. In reality, I will probably lament and bitch about my minimum wage job for the next thirty years. I mean, this is how you do it: firstly, find a subject you don't understand, which is most subjects, and make that your business. Say for now, Asteroid-Physics Modem Entomology. Basically anything with technology seems cool right now. Secondly, don't get to know the business. Just hire some wicked smart nerds with no self-esteem that will work for your Fluff-sandwich-an-hour wages. They're out there, probably watching reruns of Greatest American Hero somewhere, thinking how cool they can be. They can run your business. You will be far too busy marketing and drinking and bowling. If you have enough time you may get into Skee Ball. It's what all the CEO’s do. The next step is to get the money to run the business. Steal it. People rob banks everyday and get away with it. You can do it; it's not as hard as those surveillance cameras indicate. And have you seen the sketches they draw? I'm sure it won't look anything like you unless you wear Porsche shades and a sweatshirt with a hood a lot. The next step, advertise exclusively on the Internet and on Shortwave 1 Radio. Advertise with brand new Internet humor magazines that are not real funny, they'll be booming soon. Here's some other steps: no profit sharing, high employee turnover, don't listen to OSHA and the IRS and no lunches for new employees. That's about all I can tell you now. I do have a book that sells for about thirty pigs that gets into this stuff a little more and has a lot more pictures of little kids making sneakers. Remember: you can get away from your daily doldrums and start your own privately owned hell. If you have any questions, call 0 and they'll forward your call. Trust me.

Main Archive Table of Contents

April, 1999 Issue Table of Contents

Running Amok   Do We Really Need a Title?   Start Your Own Business   Breaking Up... For Corporate Stiffs

Moon Over Easter Bunny

Rich, Arrogant and Horny   The Final Word   Warning: Hazardous to Idiots   Reservoir Rats

The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul Marino, © 2006 by Rob Reuter.