Internet
Relay CriminalsInternet
Relay Criminals
Episode One: Does This Dress Make My Balls Look Big?
By Paul St. Fakename, Esq. and Rob Reuter
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Editors' Note: It took thirty years of development by the most talented computer scientists for the Internet to reach the point where its users could communicate immediately and anonymously in chat rooms. It took an estimated 6.8369 seconds for Internet users to figure out how to use this technology to jerk off.
"Cybersex" has become the accepted term for the meeting of two strangers in a private chat for the express purpose of talking dirty to each other. Champions of the Internet espouse how healthy it is for people to live out their deepest fantasies in complete anonymity. However, research has proven that those people are ugly. And delusional.
So we figured we'd trick one of them. This is the IRC version of that classic storyline: boy meets girl, boy talks dirty to girl, boy finds out girl has testicles, boy vomits, "girl" sells the tape to the Fox Network for $20,000.
The following is a complete and unedited transcript of a private chat liaison that took place after meeting in a heterosexual romance chat room. Warning: this is not a pre-written humor piece. This is a real chat transcript, and it is sexually explicit. If you find that this makes you uncomfortable, please remember that we couldn't convince this dingbat to do things like pounding ground glass up his crack unless he was horny first. Our players are:
"dumb bastard": (Name has been changed to protect the horny idiot) a lonely man looking for love, and perhaps a moment's companionship late at night, and:
SilkMouth18: Paul and Rob, drinking Sam Adams, giggling drunkenly and shouting things like "Make him jam his cock in the light socket!" at each other.
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This is a real chat transcript, and it is sexually explicit. If you find that this makes you uncomfortable, please remember that we couldn't convince this dingbat to do things like pounding ground glass up his crack unless he was horny first. |
"dumb
bastard”:
HOW ARE
YOU
SilkMouth18:
horny
“dumb
bastard”:
really
SilkMouth18:
are
you calling me a liar????
SilkMouth18:
bad
boy....
“dumb
bastard”:
what do
you look like
SilkMouth18:
i
like to correct bad boys... 5'6", 105, 36D
“dumb
bastard”:
dont
tease me baby
“dumb
bastard”:
what
are you wearing
SilkMouth18:
i
don't tease...I suck...
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmm
SilkMouth18:
Leather
skirt
“dumb
bastard”:
and
SilkMouth18:
leather
top, too…now you
“dumb
bastard”:
any
panties
SilkMouth18:
no
no....what do you look like
“dumb
bastard”:
im 511
195 lbs brn hair baby blue eyes toned
SilkMouth18:
mmmmmmmm...
what are U wearing...
“dumb
bastard”:
im
sitting here in a pair of shorts
SilkMouth18:
hope
you didn't start without me.....
“dumb
bastard”:
no way
…whats your favorite position
SilkMouth18:
i'm
a little....playful.... what will you do for me, first....
“dumb
bastard”:
anything
baby
SilkMouth18:
ooooooohhhhhhh,
i LIKE you.....
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmm
SilkMouth18:
Take
off your shorts, big boy....
“dumb
bastard”:
there
off… take off your top
SilkMouth18:
oh,
it was already off....
“dumb
bastard”:
now you
r skirt
SilkMouth18:
before
you touch me I want you to bark.
“dumb
bastard”:
ruf
ruf
“dumb
bastard”:
aaaaoooooo
SilkMouth18:
Oh
baby my skirt is off.
SilkMouth18:
HOWL
FOR ME!!!!!
“dumb
bastard”:
your
tits are so soft
“dumb
bastard”:
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SilkMouth18:
They
are the best money can buy J
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmmmmmmmm
SilkMouth18:
I
like the way you touch me....
“dumb
bastard”: i
love big tits…
i love
having your nipples in my mouth
SilkMouth18:
and
they love you.....
SilkMouth18:
back
up for a second…get on your knees.
SilkMouth18:
PLEASE?
“dumb
bastard”:
ok
SilkMouth18:
I
want you to spank yourself
“dumb
bastard”:
slap
slap
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmm
“dumb
bastard”: aaaaaaahhhhhh
“dumb
bastard”:
slap
slap
SilkMouth18:
Oh
you are such a NAUGHTY boy.
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmmmm
“dumb
bastard”:
i like
it
SilkMouth18:
I
am quivering!!!!
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmmm
SilkMouth18:
SLAPPPPPPP!!!
“dumb
bastard”:
more
baby
SilkMouth18:
Don't
stop now, big boy!
SilkMouth18:
Feel
my ass while you fondle yourself!!!!
“dumb
bastard”:
your
ass is so soft
“dumb
bastard”:
i want
you to lay down
“dumb
bastard”:
and
spread your legs
SilkMouth18:
I
love your big warm hands on my ass.
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmm
SilkMouth18:
Lick
my ass.
“dumb
bastard”:
licking
SilkMouth18:
Don’t
worry, I wash...J
SilkMouth18:
Mmmmm.
“dumb
bastard”:
sliding
my tongue in your hole
SilkMouth18:
I
am so wet....
“dumb
bastard”:
im
licking your ass
SilkMouth18:
Are
you hard yet?
“dumb
bastard”:
oh ya
all around
“dumb
bastard”:
i m
slowly jerking myself
SilkMouth18:
Do
you want to know why they call me Silk Mouth?
“dumb
bastard”:
i can
imagine why
SilkMouth18:
Stop
feeling yourself for a second.
 |
“dumb
bastard”:
ok
SilkMouth18:
What
else will you do for me?
“dumb
bastard”:
anything
SilkMouth18:
Will
you pinch my nipples?
“dumb
bastard”:
yes
“dumb
bastard”:
can you
feel it
SilkMouth18:
Mmmmmmmmmmmm
“dumb
bastard”:
they’re
hard
“dumb
bastard”:
i like
it
SilkMouth18:
Pinch
me harder as I take you in my mouth....
SilkMouth18:
Mmmmmmmm.
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmmmmmmm
“dumb
bastard”:
pinch
pinch
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmmmmm
“dumb
bastard”:
ohohbaby
SilkMouth18:
Let
my cover him in cranberry sauce.
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmmm
SilkMouth18:
I
LOVE cranberry sauce!!!!!
“dumb
bastard”:
sounds
kinky
SilkMouth18:
He
is such the good soldier.
“dumb
bastard”:
the
best you’ll see
SilkMouth18:
Standing
at FULL attention....
SilkMouth18:
Like
a little John Rocker.
“dumb
bastard”:
oh ya
SilkMouth18:
Call
me your ex-girlfriend's name, ok?
“dumb
bastard”:
anything
for you
SilkMouth18:
Say
it.
“dumb
bastard”:
sasha
SilkMouth18:
Asian?
“dumb
bastard”:
oh
sasha
SilkMouth18:
Oooooohhhh!
“dumb
bastard”: australian
SilkMouth18:
Yes!!!!!!
“dumb
bastard”:
i love
you sasha
“dumb
bastard”:
oh baby
SilkMouth18:
Did
she rub you with sauce and suck your furry little koala bear?
“dumb
bastard”:
ride me
honey
SilkMouth18:
I want
you inside me.
“dumb
bastard”:
shake
your little ass
SilkMouth18:
Beg
me!
“dumb
bastard”:
ill
send you to the moon when i cum
SilkMouth18:
Oh
yes
“dumb
bastard”:
oh fuck
me baby please
SilkMouth18:
I'm
stroking my shaved beauty..
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
“dumb
bastard”:
ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh
SilkMouth18:
I'm
riding you like Roy Rogers!
“dumb
bastard”:
i love
you
SilkMouth18:
Call
me Trigger!
“dumb
bastard”:
oh yes
SilkMouth18:
Yes
“dumb
bastard”: faster
trigger
“dumb
bastard”:
slap
slap
SilkMouth18:
Slap
your ass
“dumb
bastard”:
faster
baby
SilkMouth18:
whinny
like a horse, like a big stud
“dumb
bastard”:
get on
your knees
SilkMouth18:
If
you call me Stalin J
“dumb
bastard”:
prop
your ass in the air, Stalin
SilkMouth18:
Yes,
take me from behind!
“dumb
bastard”:
im
sliding my rock hard cock in you
SilkMouth18:
Make
me cum, sasha!!!
“dumb
bastard”:
slowly
sliding it in and out
SilkMouth18:
I'm
pushing my ass into you!
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmmmmm
SilkMouth18:
No,
fuck me hard!!!!!!
“dumb
bastard”: i
grab you by the hips ,pull you closer
“dumb
bastard”:
ram
my cock in and out of you
SilkMouth18:
Pull
my long blonde hair
“dumb
bastard”:
faster
and harder
SilkMouth18:
Fuck
me harder!
“dumb
bastard”:
pulling
you’re hair like the reins
SilkMouth18:
Your
legs are slapping my balls!
“dumb
bastard”: faster
and harder i fuck you
SilkMouth18:
oh
yes! I'm cumming!!!!!!
“dumb
bastard”:
mmmmmm
SilkMouth18:
I
shot my load on the keyboard
“dumb
bastard”:
i feel
you hot wet pussy cuming on my cock
SilkMouth18:
Oh,
stroke my balls!!!!
SilkMouth18:
Cum
on my ass
SilkMouth18:
My
hairy ass!
“dumb
bastard”: you
fag
SilkMouth18:
whoops!
“dumb
bastard”: you
sick bastard
SilkMouth18:
don’t
you love me?
“dumb
bastard”:
your a
queer arent you
SilkMouth18:
I
love you!
“dumb
bastard”:
FUCK
YOU ASSHOLE
SilkMouth18: No one has ridden me so hard!
SilkMouth18: Don't you want my number?
“dumb bastard” You should be pissed on and shot!
SilkMouth18:
I love your body, Larry.
Return to Main Archive Table of Contents
Return to March, 2000 Table of Contents
My
Pulsating Staff Man Suggests Slogan,
Dies... The Funny Ephrons
Month In Pictures Squinty the Monkey
St. Patrick's Day Training Manual Internet Relay Criminals Bad Technician
The American Jerk™ and all contents © 1999 - 2005 by Rob Reuter and Paul St. Fakename, Esq., © 2006 by Rob Reuter.