A Useful Indiscretion
The Lost History Test of George W. Bush
By John Saleeby
Did George W. Bush use drugs in college? Let's take a quick look at the essay section of an exam from his Freshman History Course.
1) Why did Abraham Lincoln insist on fighting the Civil War?
Abraham Lincoln insisted on fighting the Civil War because he was a rail splittin', log cabin buildin', beard growin' frontier lawyer with a vision of the future so profound, so true, so tip top tippitty toppitty top that when people said "No" he said "Go, man, go!" and that was just the way it had to be. Did I remember to change my socks? I'm wearing the same socks I had on yesterday. Oh man, every time I stay up all night I forget to change my socks. Oh no, I stayed up all night the night before last night, too! I have been wearing the same socks for two days. What about my pants? Am I wearing pants? I am afraid to look. Uh oh! I am out of space. Please remember who my dad is.
2) Why did Robert E. Lee hesitate to assume command of the Confederate Army?
Whew! I'm wearing pants! What a relief! So, Robert E. Lee... Robert E. Lee... Oh, yes, white beard, real serious, needs to loosen up, kick back, put his feet up, smell the roses THE GIRL BEHIND ME IS THINKING ABOUT MY DICK! She's thinking about my dick! I can tell she's thinking about my dick, I am picking up Dick Thought vibrations from her direction. Wait! What else is she thinking about? I am picking up telepathic images of a man with a white beard carrying on like a little old woman about how much he loves Virginia! This woman is psychotic! I will enter the inside of her skull as my biology project and be recognized wide and far as a Scientific Superstar driving around in a big old car. Uh oh, I am out of space. Please remember who my dad is.
3) What difficulties did Lincoln encounter in finding a commander for the Union Army?
What about my pants? Am I wearing pants? I am afraid to look. Uh oh! I am out of space. Please remember who my dad is.
Lincoln couldn't find a commander for the Union Army cause, hell, I don't know but maybe if I just keep on writing, something will occur to me. Just like Dad told me: "Son, when in doubt, look ‘em right in the eye, smile like the carnival's back in town, and just keep on talking. Maybe something will occur to you. Either that or they'll get sick of you and go away." Hey, I've been writing for quite a while, maybe the Professor got sick of me and went away? Let me stop writing and look up to see if he's still up there. Then I can take off my clothes and run around like a monkey. Uh oh, he's still here. Maybe I should have looked up before I took off my clothes. But don't worry, I didn't run around like a monkey; no, I stayed right here at my desk and I wrote the best essay about the difficulties Lincoln encountered in finding a commander for the Union Army EVER! Oh wait, I remember now, first he offered the job to Robert E. Lee who turned it down because I ran out of space and there wasn't enough room for him to ride around on a horse. Please remember who my dad is.
4) What role did the abolition of slavery play in Lincoln's decision to fight the war?
Abolition Abolition Abolition Abraham Lincoln's goin' fishin' that son of a gun is on a mission MISSION IMPOSSIBLE! This recording will self-destruct. Can they do that in real life? Wouldn't that mess up the tape recorder? Dad is in the CIA, he knows all about that stuff. Well, he knows guys who know all about that stuff. They probably don't let Dad in on the inside information cause they know he'll wet his panties like he did when he walked in on me with a hypodermic needle stuck into the side of my neck. Good thing he fell for that bit about it being a fraternity-hazing thing. Hahahahahahahohohohoho, oh no, I've been making all these ha ha’s and ho ho’s too big, I've run out of room, please remember who my Father is, My Father Is GOD ALMIGHTY I AM JESUS I AM JESUS I AM JESUS I AM JESUS CHRIST YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR WORSHIP ME YOU PIGS
Editor's Note: All records pertaining to George Jr.'s Sophomore Poetry Writing Workshop have mysteriously disappeared.
Check out John's critically acclaimed column, Anything But a Kennedy
Latest Issue Table of Contents
November, 1999 Issue Table of Contents
Not Tonight, I'm Too Drunk Olympia Dukakis' Breasts
Month In Pictures Kiddie Korner
Poetry Slam-O-Rama Ethical Treatment of Carnivores Useful Indiscretion eJerk
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