Tag Archives: home ownership

“This Goddamned thing’s been malfunctioning for six months, you lazy bastard! That’s 180 days of being one flush away from having our second floor declared an EPA Superfund site! I don’t care if your sinuses are filled with the semen of Satan himself, you either fix this fucking thing or buy me a Goddamned litter box!” [read more at link] Continue reading →

He told me that the problem was that one of the water lines into the furnace had become clogged, which prevented the ignition motor from starting. Which, to me, raises the question: Why the fuck is there a water line going into my furnace? I’m not a chemist, but I’ve been told that water is perhaps not the most conducive substance to introduce into combustion. Does the furnace require cooling? Is it nuclear? If it is, it doesn’t worry me, because I’ve sat above an atomic pile in the bathroom every Saturday and Sunday morning since I was nineteen and I feel great, but I’d like to know… [read more at link] Continue reading →

My computer wouldn’t even talk to the fucking router, and my girl’s would talk to it right up until the moment I tried to start watching streaming video, upon which it would run off like it it was showing me a porno mag just as the teacher walked into the room. Which would be kinda funny if I weren’t trying to download teacher MILF porn at the time… [read more at link] Continue reading →

I’ve been told that owning your own home is “The American Dream,” but it sure as hell isn’t one of my fantasies. My fantasies include Paris Hilton, chloroform and handcuffs, plus some Krazy Glue and a plastic suitcase handle for leverage… [read more at link] Continue reading →