Are you sick of your current job? Tired of putting in long hours for low pay? Sick of people telling you that your ideas are “stupid,” that your suggestions “hold less water than Gunga Din after a hideously disfiguring thresher accident,” and that your job performance is “grossly, if not potentially criminally, negligent”?
Well, what if I told you that you might be perfectly qualified for a job sitting on your slowly-spreading ass in a nice office, surfing the Web and occassionally making up important-looking, yet ultimately useless shit to do so you can justify your salary? That’s right: you might be the perfect candidate to be the next District Attorney of Boulder, Colorado!
I know what you’re saying: “Oh sure; I’d love to be the Boulder D.A.! But catching murderers sounds like hard work, and Project Runway’s on at 8!” Well, technically you’re right; catching murderers would be hard work if you actually had any to catch.
You, however, will have have just one. One single, solitary murderer to bring in! Why, you should be able to get that done by lunchtime, giving you plenty of time to sneak out of the office for eighteen holes of scotch as any deserving civil servant should!
Just take this simple self-test to see if you’re the right person for the job!
- A six-year-old girl is found strangled and bludgeoned in the basement of her own locked house with no signs of forced entry. You suspect:
- Someone who was actually inside the locked house at the time of the crime.
- A true-crime nut with no connection to the victim and an iron-clad alibi 1,400 miles away.
- Suicide.
- You need to obtain a DNA sample from a suspect in custody in Bangkok, Thailand. The most efficient way to obtain the sample while preserving the chain of evidence is:
- Insured overnight FedEx shipment for $117 dollars.
- Send an officer to Thailand to fly the suspect overseas in business class on one day’s notice for about $9,000, including free gourmet food and liquor for the suspect.
- Send a $15,000-a-night call girl to the suspect, then scrape the sample off her face.
- When the crime lab reports that semen was found in the previously-cited six-year-old victim’s underwear, your instincts tell you to:
- Devote your resources to investigating family members who dressed the victim like a powdered whore.
- Devote your resources to investigating whoever’s emails about the crime sound the ickiest.
- Close the case, since clearly the victim is a hermaphroditic midget.
- While interviewing potential suspects in the little girl’s murder, the statement the real killer is most likely to say is:
- “I refuse to answer any questions without my lawyer and my publicist present.”
- “If it’ll keep me out of a Thailand prison, I’ll cop to buttfucking the Lindbergh baby.”
- “I’m the Decider.”
Time to score yourself!
If you answered “1” to every question: settle down, Worky McWorkhard! We can’t afford to lose that sweet, sweet true crime tourism money now that Elway’s retired. If you answered “2” to every question: Congratulations! You are clearly qualified to be our DA, and we will contact you once our current DA gets fired! If you answered “3” to every question: We’re sorry, but you aren’t quite qualified for this position. Perhaps you’d be better suited to the breakneck pace of murderer-hunting in, say, Aruba.
[tags]JonBenet Ramsey, John Mark Karr, Boulder, Colorado, Thailand, DNA, dark humor, satire[/tags]
