Mass Erect

I have spent my pitifully limited spare time this week playing Mass Effect. No, not Mass Effect II, which came out last week, but the original, which I got for Christmas two years ago and never finished. Not because it’s a bad game – far from it – but because the XBox is attached to the living room TV, and while playing the game feels like being immersed in a movie, watching the game, as my girl was forced to do, is like watching a movie about a guy silently driving a four-wheeler across the landscape, punctuated by riding in elevators.

I decided to finally finish the game for two reasons, the first being that supposedly Mass Effect II allows you to use the character from your Mass Effect saved game, and uses the decisions you made in the first game to drive the plot in the second game. This is refreshing, and makes Mass Effect II seem like a real, honest-to-God story sequel, as opposed to other videogame sequels like Halo III, in which I said, “Lookit that! I’m that same boring asshole from Halo II, and I still can’t shoot straight!” and put away after about an hour, never to play again.

The second reason being that Fox News told me that Mass Effect had some filthy dirty fuck scenes. Possibly with aliens. Which sounds just weird and unexpected enough to maybe cut through my pornography-addled sex drive for a surprise, spontaneous boner, but not so strange that I might find myself on a shrink’s couch working through a sudden urge to yiff.

Problem is: I can’t find them. I’ve been playing this game for forty fucking hours. I’ve completed about two-thirds of the missions so far. I’ve saved planets from destruction. I’ve rescued entire races of aliens from extinction. I’m Space Jesus. And no matter what I do, I can’t get Space Jesus’s dick wet.

Oh, I came close last night. I was talking with a blue chick with tentacles growing out of her neck about how I wouldn’t stop fighting until I saved her race. She was leaning in on me… and Joker came on the intercom to tell me that he’d gotten a message from a guy who said he could get my spaceship out of dock so I could blast off. And despite Mass Effect’s much-vaunted dialogue tree conversation system, there was no option to tell the douche, “Thanks, but I was pretty close to getting there on my own.” In short: Seth Green cockblocked me. Me. Space Jesus. He’d better watch his ass at San Diego Comic-Con this year.

It’s reached the point where my girl is bored watching me play again. Last night she sighed loudly, tossed her magazine on the coffee table and said, “I’ll be upstairs. Yell out when you get to the fuck scenes.” Which was embarrassing; Mass Effect is making it look like I can’t talk somebody into sleeping with me… in front of a girl who I talked into sleeping with me. It’s a recursion of humiliating failure that the main who singlehandedly wiped the Geth out of the Antares system – Space Jesus – shouldn’t have to endure.

I finally gave up this morning and dialed up the smut scenes on YouTube, and man, what a disappointment. I mean, yeah: there’s some side boob, but this is the twenty-first century. I can get side boob at Dunkin’ Donuts.

But having finally seen what all the fuss is about, I have no idea why the What About The Children screechers are so up in arms about this game. They shout, “This gives children the wrong idea about sex,” and all I can think is: really? It gives them the idea that to get sex, you need to put in about 60 hours of boring grinding, and when you finally do get it, it’s short, disappointing, and wasn’t worth the up-front effort you put into it. Sounds like the right idea to me.

But not to Space Jesus, who will nail that blue chick. If only because after 45 hours, she matches his balls.

[tags]Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2, XBox, dark humor, satire[/tags]

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5 Responses to Mass Erect

  1. Lance Manion says:

    Nice. I nailed the other chick – the human one. I just wasn’t sure that I was ready for alien yiff.

    You should try Dragon Age. You get to nail all sorts of stuff. I’ve already bagged two chicks and Elf dude with a French accent. I was a little uncomfortable with the dude, but there’s an accomplishment tied to it, and he was french so he’s practically a chick and I’M NOT GAY DAMMIT.

  2. Lance Manion says:

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  3. Trebuchet says:

    3/4 of the way though ME2… really close to tapping the red-head or Yvonne Strahovski’s Doppleganger…. decisions, decisions…

  4. The Damonowskivich says:

    All I’m regulated to is naked dance parties in Stormwind in Warcrack. Meh…

  5. Rob Reuter says:

    @Lance Manion – Wow – 70 minutes to finish up, wipe your upper lip, gargle and finish your “I’m not gay!” thought? You must be good.

    @Trebuchet – Considering it’s your dick, fuck the uglier one. You’ll want the hot one in reserve for Mass Effect III, because after you transfer your ME2 save file, you’ll spend the entire game watching your current “conquest” either clawing at her crotch and screeching about Space Herpes, or fetal and rocking on the floor of the sonic shower, muttering about how she “can’t get clean”.

    @The Damonowskivich – No World of Warcraft for me. A man riding a unicorn for ten hours in search of an “enchanted shaft” is no better than Lance Manion. I’m Space Jesus. I nuke dragons from fucking orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

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