- Now that I’m sober, I’m deleting my pitch to DC Comics: Aquaman: The Wet Fist of Justice. #
- Pizza Hut Japan: http://pizzahut.jp A proud member of the C’thulu-SothothCo family! Mmmm, that’s DELICIOUS R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! #
- Need food to soak up the bile… but the only thing I know how to locate in my own kitchen is beer. #
- After two hours ripping the living heart out of my TV… turns out the TV parts place sent me a broken new heart. Drinking now; fuck off. #
- Note to Boston Celtic Paul Pierce: stop passing to the courtside photographer. He can’t help you. #
- Note: just because a little girl coughs derisively when she passes you while smoking doesn’t mean you HAVE to threaten to shank her mom. #
- http://tinyurl.com/cbxuba Nerd Prom 4-day passes sold out in record time. Must start sniffing own armpits to prepare for geek herd funk. #
- It’s St. Patrick’s Day, which mean’s it’s time once again to defend and exercise my copyright! http://www.theamericanjerk.com/?p=125 #
- 750 words about St. Patrick, and I somehow skipped doing a correlation between driving the “snakes” out of Ireland and tiny dicks. I suck. #
- http://tinyurl.com/cwpkop Oh Meghan, don’t cry. You can rest assured that I will ALWAYS think of you as a fucking lightweight. #
- http://tinyurl.com/bjlkqh Don’t say I didn’t warn you Milo… and no, you can’t crash on my couch: http://www.theamericanjerk.com/?p=397 #
- As of now, flight, hotel and 4-day passes for Comic-Con are booked. Next: find a way to get immunity to men in spandex with no underpants. #
- All Internet in office down except for this smartphone. Coworkers in packs and sniping at me like hyenas rather than work. Need taser STAT. #
- Get back Goddamn you this is my phone and my Internet and DON’T TOUCH MY PORN #
- After Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen, I’ve decided that if my girl ever stops cooking, I would rather live on Cheetos and MREs than eat out. #
- Goddammit you Hell’s Kitchen hosebag you can’t boil and reduce perfectly good whiskey for a sauce and EXPECT ME TO ALLOW YOU TO LIVE #
- Gordon Ramsey’s awful mouthy for a guy who applies fire he didn’t start to meat he didn’t kill. #
- http://tinyurl.com/cs9sa3 The President of the United States does retard gags. If he does a dick joke next, I’m running for mayor of Boston. #
- http://tinyurl.com/dxl5ro Am I the first one to make a joke about “openings”, “positions” and types of “jobs”? No? Shit. #
- Battlestar Galactica finale prediction: Boomer has a cock. Whoops SPOILER ALERT #
- Battlestar Galactica finale prediction 2: Starbuck discovers that 2,000 years ago she named a network SyFy, airlocks herself in total shame. #
- Battlestar Galactica finale prediction 3: Apollo loves riding Vipers, realizes vipers are snakes, bottoms for Tyrol. Then, cries for awhile. #
- Watching BSG finale: As the fleet went into the sun, did they bring back the old music? From the 70s? The theme from Deep Throat? Maybe? No? #
- So… Baltar is my Jesus now, I guess. Which makes Caprica my knob-gobbling robot Mary. Right? Anyone? Fuck it; paganism it is! #
