It’s almost spring, which means every young man’s and young woman’s fancy is turning to love! But once you’ve met and spent some time with that special someone, how will you know if he or she is “The One”? That’s easy! Just take this simple self test!
What initially attracted you to your significant other?
- Shared common interests and an overriding feeling of safety and respect.
- Physically, the other person was my “type”.
- Physically, the other person wasn’t a piece of battery-powered machinery or a Ziploc bag filled with whale blubber.
What made you decide to make love for the first time?
- Weeks of dating and sharing our life experiences made us realize that we had a deep connection, and that it was worth bringing the relationship to the next level.
- Animal attraction that began the moment we met and which grew over time and finally overtook us.
- The cable went out during a Friday night blizzard.
After sex, your significant other strengthens your relationship by saying:
- “I will love you forever.”
- “Was that as good for you as it was for me?”
I believe that my significant other’s family background, compared to my family background, will make us:
- More compatible, since our families have similar social stations and beliefs.
- Less compatible, since our families have very different backgrounds.
- Perfectly compatible, since their mother and my mother both deal in shit for a living.
If you choose to marry, you plan to have your first dance to:
- Something classic, like Fly Me to The Moon by Frank Sinatra, or Isn’t It Romantic by Tony Bennett.
- Something contemporary, like I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston, or My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion.
- Something that rocks and makes us want to move, like Trapped by Springsteen or Run Like Hell by Floyd.
If you are so blessed, you will name your first child:
- After a patriarch or matriarch from my family, who survived hardship to bring our clan to the present.
- After a respected public figure who made the world a better place for us.
- Depending on who you believe, either after a key mechanical part of the shotgun that kept us together, or to remind him or her of his origins, after an embarrassing accident.
When our child asks us what they should be when they grow up, we will tell them:
- That he or she can be anything they want if they work hard enough.
- That he or she will always have a place in the family business.
- That he or she was a vice presidential nomination away from being a forgotten clot in a biohazard bag, and that they should go ask Grandma what the fuck they should do with their lives, since she always has some Goddamned opinion.
LET’S SEE HOW YOU DID!
- If you answered 1 to every question: congratulations! You are completely compatible with your significant other, and will have a long and fulfilling relationship, culminating in a bitter, crushing divorce when you grow bored with predictability and realize that you felt you were too perfect to ever split up, and that you both love every single Goddamned thing you’ve built together too much to let it go to that treacherous, betraying scumbag!
- If you answered 2 to every question: congratulations! You are destined to have an interesting, spicy love affair! Probably with other people!
- If you answered 3 to every question: congratulations! You are destined to be inseparable! Until the Ohio returns come in! And the Party stops paying such close attention and you can finally flee! But you knew that already!