McCain’s acceptance speech was so Goddamned painfully boring and uninspiring that my mind finally wandered enough to figure out that Cindy McCain is an absolute dead ringer for porn star Nina Hartley. Which at least added some entertainment value to the forty-five wretched minutes; every time John talked about taking on fat cats in “Warshington”, I could at least get a giggle by being able to imagine his wife taking on fat guys on a washing machine. And if necessary, I could pull it up on the Internet.
The whole miserable deal felt like a birthday party for your Grandpa’s ninetieth birthday; it was a room full of people applauding politely while the old fart spins yarns about the war years, all with the understanding that nobody’s there because they think the bastard’s gonna help them haul lumber to build the new deck. No, they’re there so he thinks that they love him enough that he doesn’t change his will and leave all his shit to his cats when he dies… which they hope is soon, so they can get their grubby hands on the house.
And every once in a while, everyone sneaks a glance at disturbingly perky Cousin Sarah, who’s smiling big to hide that she’s figuring out the logistics behind fortifying Grandpa’s Cream of Wheat with Prestone.
There was something else disturbingly familiar about speech that I had trouble putting my finger on. Which felt odd, because McCain said everything you’d expect him to say: things have been bad but he can do better, he wants to change things, he can do great things but he needs our help to do it… and I finally got it when I let my mind drift to a mental picture of Cindy taking a filthy Ron Jeremy load in the ear…
My deadbeat, alcoholic cousin Jackie makes the exact same pitch when he comes skulking around the family looking for money and a place to crash, hoping we don’t notice his deadbeat friends furtively cringing behind the bushes just praying that Jackie can bullshit his foot into the door so they can raid the medicine cabinet, sneak out with the flatscreen, and use my computer to boot porn and jack off into one of MY socks.
McCain might not be a bad guy, and it’s kind of cool that he has what appears to be a MILF porn star wife. Unfortunately, it’s his friends that’ll be more than happy to fuck you for money.
[tags]John McCain, Sarah Palin, Republican National Convention, Cindy McCain, Nina Hartley, GOP, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]
