Genevacon, Day 2.5: Girls On Film

I’ll give Sarah Palin credit for this much: she was the first woman I’ve seen speaking in either convention who didn’t look like she was made up by Federico from Six Feet Under before being shoved into the spotlights. I’ve had a remarkably quick download speeds from the porn sites this morning, probably because 27 percent of the American electorate is jacking off to streaming video of her speech on foxnews.com.

Then again, Palin’s only been on the national political stage for five days now. And if before-election and after-election pictures of Hillary Clinton are any guide to history, by November she’ll look like Bub from Day of the Dead, and Tina Fey’ll be able to cancel her Lasik and hair-coloring appointments.

In the final analysis, Palin was clearly out to do three things, and the first was to attack the Democrats, which she did with the zinger of the night:  “I guess a small town mayor is like a community organizer, except you have actual responsibilities.” Yup. And the opportunity for graft, the ability to crush your enemies, without any of the pesky troubles of working around gangs in an eighty-year Mafia stronghold. Sorry, but risking waking up in your small-town mayoral bed and  finding your husband getting head from a horseface in your bed doesn’t nearly have the same air of menace.

Second, she had to attack the press: “Here’s a little news flash for those reporters and commentators: I’m not going to Washington to seek their good opinion. I’m going to Washington to serve the people of this great country.” Which takes balls when you’re addressing the people of this great country in front of cameras belonging to, well, reporters and commentators. That’s like using your credit card to pay for your bankruptcy filing.

Attacking the media is actually good misdirection for Palin; it gives her an infinitesimally larger chance that a voter might ignore a reporter when he points out that maybe someone shouldn’t a a heartbeat away from being the leader of the free world when they think that foreign affairs involve fucking a Canadian, or that Putin is a plate of gravy fries.

Finally, after a week of stories about teen pregnancy and neglected infants, she had to prove that her family was more Partridge and less Manson. Which she accomplished admirably… right up until the camera cut to her youngest daughter, Piper, repeatedly whacking her strangely-silent, wobbly-necked retarded baby on the soft spot of his skull. It might have been grooming, it might have been Piper “taking care of Mommy’s little political liability”, it’s hard to say. All I know is that Bristol would be well-advised to insist upon taking the elevator and staying the fuck away from staircases.

So when it’s all said and done, Sarah Palin used her national speaking debut to tell us that she’s a “hockey mom.” Awesome. That should win her some votes here in Boston, because we’ve had such good luck with hockey dads.

[tags]Sarah Palin, John McCain, Republican National Convention, GOP, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]

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3 Responses to Genevacon, Day 2.5: Girls On Film

  1. Jakester says:

    Howdy A.J. ,

    Fine Humor you got there. Not easy to find over here and of all Things in Politics.
    I guess you’ve heard about this:
    which makes Her look even scarryer and should put Her in a tight Jacket an not in the White House.

    So long
    Jakester

  2. Rob Reuter says:

    Thanks Jakester, but to be fair, I too have prayed for God to make me a gas pipeline. Usually after a few days of eating beef and cheese.

  3. Jakester says:

    Well, as long you ain’t speaking in tongues he may understands and starts listenig to you and you get enough Fuel to leave this Planet to one of his better Projekts.

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