Are You Vice Presidential Material?

Thank you for your interest in the position of Vice President of the United States! As you are no doubt aware, the Vice Presidency requires a wide range of skills including communication, diplomacy, and steady hands and nerves. While we have already begin interviewing one candidate (Who has excellent and inspired writing skills), we are still looking for a second candidate before making a decision.

Do you have what it takes for your name to be the answer to a question used to humiliate strippers and homeless people on the Howard Stern Show? Take this simple self test and find out!

• What about a President would make you want to serve as his second in command?
  1. Strong leadership skills combined with patriotic love and defense of the Constitution.
  2. So much life experience that he might be moments away from death.
  3. Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.
  4. Years as a prisoner of war.

• What qualities are important in a Vice President?
  1. Respect for the office of President, willingness to support the President, and humble understanding of my place in the ascendancy.
  2. Understanding of family values, borne from years of devotion to my children and wives.
  3. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed.
  4. Respect for a man who had his genitals shocked by a Delco car battery for five and a half years.
• What accomplishment best shows your readiness to assume the Vice Presidency?
  1. My years of selfless public service.
  2. I saved the 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games in time for them to be blown up by terrorists.
  3. I fought the law and the law won. Now I’m breaking rocks in the hot sun, ’cause I fought the law and the law won.
  4. I decline to answer, since there is no greater human accomplishment than spending five and a half years being locked in a tiger cage after failing to complete a mission and subsequently failing to evade capture.
• Exactly why do you want to be Vice President?
  1. To faithfully and selflessly serve the people of the United States of America
  2. If you’ll tell me what answer you’re looking for, I’ll be happy to change my position to reflect it.
  3. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore.
  4. Because stories about being poked by bamboo sticks give me rock-hard chub.

Let’s see how you did!

• If you answered 1 to all the questions: thank you for your interest, but you’ll never survive the vetting process. People only talk that way if they’re hiding a meth habit or a secret love of airport mens’ room glory holes.
• If you answered 2 to all the questions: we told you to stop fucking calling here, Mitt.
• If you answered 3 to all the questions: we appreciate your interest, but you’ve already met our criteria by not being Hillary Clinton.
• If you answered 4 to all the questions: we already told you, we’re not hiring members of the media.

[tags]Vice President, John McCain, Joe Biden, Mitt Romney, Election 2008, political humor, dark humor, satire[/tags]