Are You Guantanamo Bay Military Tribunal Prosecutor Material?

Thank you for your interest in serving as a prosecutor on a Guantanamo Bay Military Tribunal, Officer, Soldier or Recommended Blackwater “Contractor”! Acting as a Military Tribunal Prosecutor is an important duty that keeps America safe from dangerous terrorism, and your service should allow you to hold your head up high with pride!

(Please note: holding your head up high as a result of acting as a Tribunal Prosecutor is a violation of National Security, and is punishable by trial by a Guantanamo Bay Military Tribunal)

Now that Tribunal proceedings have started, in order to determine if you are qualified to lead a Tribunal on Guantanamo Bay, please complete this simple self test!

• Which of the following titles indicates the highest ranking, and therefore the most dangerous, individual?
  1. Sheik
  2. Suicide Bomber
  3. Deciderer
  4. Cabbie
• Which of the following recorded statements can be considered an admission of guilt under Guantanamo Military Justice rules of evidence?
  1. “We will destroy the United States, the decadent west… the Great Satan.”
  2. “Get back in your seats or we will kill more passengers. This plane is ours.”
  3. “I’m the guy who pulled the trigger that fired the round that peppered Harry,”
  4. “Hey Mac, where ya headed?”
• Which of the following affirmative defenses is adequate to consider dropping charges and foregoing prosecution?
  1. “Our intelligence was inaccurate and incomplete.”
  2. “I had a beer at lunch, and the shooting was accidental.”
  3. “I have a wide stance.”
  4. “Yeah, my boss is a douchebag, but I’m just the fucking driver.”
• Causing which of the following casualties is most deserving of trial and conviction?
  1. Thousands of American civilians.
  2. Thousands of American soldiers.
  3. The Constitution of the United States of America.
  4. A gila monster sunning itself on the road to Tora Bora, killed during the commission of drawing a paycheck from a colossal asshole.
• One of the following confessions should be rules as inadmissible under United States Federal Law and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Which one?
  1. A confession obtained under interrogation without informing the suspect of his or her right to legal representation.
  2. A confession obtained under interrogation without informing the suspect of his or her right to stop having water poured up their nose if they just admit to everything.
  3. A confession obtained under interrogation without informing the suspect of his or her right to remain silent, ignore Congressional subpoenas and go free due to Executive Privilege.
  4. Taxicab Confessions.

Let’s see how you did! Please look at your answers above. If you can read them, it means that you have not destroyed this document in accordance with the Commander in Chief’s policy letters on operational security. Please proceed to the nearest shredder, and then to processing for court martial by a qualified military tribunal prosecutor.

[tags]Guantanamo Bay, Military Tribunal, Salim Hamdan verdict, Osama Bin Laden’s driver, dark humor, satire[/tags]